Food Jokes

"You are what you eat" I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog's ashes into my cat's food bowl

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I'm gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress' facial reaction I'm not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

The thin,healthy, smart people are really missing out on some horrible food at Burger King.

A Cheerio just fell out of my bra, and suddenly I realize food gets more action than I do.

what's the deal with "airplane food?" newsflash, jerry: it's called jet fuel.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

The worst restaurant in the world is "wherever you wanna go is fine with me."

I don't need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/

Just watched a woman put on her sunglasses before walking into a restaurant, in case you wondered what living in LA is like.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you're so hungry...

There is a huge spider in my kitchen so I will be tweeting from on top of this table for whatever the life span of this species is.

We have to operate now if the cancer spreads anymore you won't be able to tell the difference between people & food "Are you nuts?" Dear God

*the fog lifts* *the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet* *the fog does cardio* *the fog is fit af*

Tonight I'm going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I'll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, "Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"

WIFE: Please take the trash out ME: Ok *later that night* ME: I'm having a nice time TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

My wife asked me: "What's the most risky, dangerous food you've ever eaten." Me: "wedding cake".

I've never eaten the right amount of Indian food.

Pizza is like racism. America didn't invent it, but it's hard to find a country that does it better.

"Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?" Body: "I shall make this into nose hair"

If getting drunk and eating pizza rolls is wrong then maybe I don't fully comprehend how a kindergarten open house actually works.

"Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!" [tries to date pizza] [gets friend calzoned]

[crouches down] [rubs earth between fingers] 'The pizza went that way ..'