Food Jokes

I don't have a pet so I decided to adopt the spider living in the corner of my kitchen. Her name is Monique. I hope she isn't knocked up.

I'm so committed to pizza that I've stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokemon.

Sure I'll eat square slices of pizza, but I'm thinking of triangular ones the whole time.

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

pizza is my favorite winter activity

It's cute how my family thinks I'm playing with fire and I'm just trying to cook them breakfast

People tell you to make yourself at home but then look confused when you drink their liquor and take a nap in the kitchen

This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes "wood" with "food."

Son, we don't play Hungry Hungry Hippos for "fun." We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity

You shouldn't judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

"Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?" STEVE: How about a Kasteve? BOB: I have a better idea

My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I'm craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.

I'm on this new diet where I can eat anything but sugar, bread, meat, fruit, and food

Autocorrect changed "panic attack" to "pancake attack" and now I'm hysterical AND hungry.

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100's of strangers' mouths

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

*runs into restaurant* IS ANYONE HERE A DOCTOR? "I'm a doctor" Nice. Nice. Can you buy me dinner I'm very poor

Pizza Hut: May I take your order? Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian? Pizza Hut: Yes, but don't ever call me vegetarian again.

The meat served in IKEA's restaurant is made of people who couldn't find the way out.

The key ingredients for a successful diet : Duct tape Rope Rat poison Shovel Bag of lime Alibi What?...wait. Wrong list.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I'm all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food Priorities

The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.