Food Jokes

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can't even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

*Whispers in random chicks ear "I have pizza in the van"

Just took a 70% lean meatloaf out of the oven, and now it's supposed to "rest" because in America even our food is fat and lazy.

Thinking of getting a cat? Ease into it by sprinkling hair in your food for a couple of weeks.

Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here. Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving? GR: You should've forwarded that chain email.

Every time I say that I'm ready to order in a restaurant what I really mean is that I'm not ready but the panic will help me make a decision

If you're robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

List of food it's okay to eat with your hands: - corn on the cob - chicken wings - ribs - hamburgers - spaghetti at your in-laws

Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn't Asian

[God Creating Raccoons] God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

just unrolled my burrito & now I'm having pizza

Hobos are like cats, they'll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

I have a ton of leftover horse. It turns out I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they'd lose the alarm and just announce that there's free food by the stairs.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

It sucks how pizza doesn't grow back.

Husband just asked if I was too drunk to cook dinner. Ha! Does he think I'm some sort of amateur? *googles how to cover up burnt eyebrows*

When someone loves you a lot they will buy you a burrito even when you're not hungry so you can get fat and no one else will love you.

I'm so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I'm going to instagram it first. Don't be crazy

"Life" is like a box of chocolates: they're both food that come in boxes

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Nothing turns me on more than listening to a woman discussing her diet & what she ate today. Except for everything else in the entire world.

Walking around the kitchen like Pac-Man when you're hungry.

Me: how was your date? Friend: I ruined her panties. M: Wow that's hot man. F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.