Food Jokes

Level of singleness: yelling, "pizza's here!" So the delivery man doesn't think all the pizza is just for me...

Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.

I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

[day 38 on the ark] NOAHS WIFE: we're out of food NOAH: don't worry, i have a contingency plan UNICORN: why are u lookin at me like that

I don't understand why some snacks are "fun-sized", there's really nothing "fun" about having a smaller portion of food.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it's giving me serious ideas, folks

[creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it

"These diet pills better work," I say to myself as I wash them down with a chocolate milkshake.

She said, "Are you even listening to me? This is important!" I said, "I don't know, pizza?" And that's how the fight started

I am a staunch traditionalist. I believe that texts should only be sent from phones. Soon ppl will text from kitchen device. makes me sick

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

The doctor says I'm depressed because I don't have enough iron in my diet so I've started nibbling on the gun in my mouth.

My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That's the last time we're playing Monopoly.

I'm trying to become a vegetarian so from now I'm only eating seafood. Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

Health food? Baby, my body is a '93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I'm not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

me: "what is a librarian's favourite food?" dog: me: "SHUSHI lmao" dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

I was going to photograph my food but then I ate it. I hope I don't get kicked off Instagram for that kind of behaviour.

When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

I wasn't entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma's gravy recipe was very specific.

No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.

I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

People who crave food for thought don't understand how food works.

The number of times you've found a hair in your food is not nearly as scary as the number of times you haven't.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet] *updates social media with selfie* Bring food, No weirdos.