[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.

An older couple is watching tv... And the man stands up and says, ""I'm going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?"" His wife answers, ""yes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkes."" The man starts to leave, when his wife says, ""Honey, are you sure you don't want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember."" ""no, no, I'm sure I'll remember what you asked for."" A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast. His wife says, ""well, see, …

A close call. A man sits down in his chair then rips a huge fart. His wife says ""one of these days you're going to shit your guts out"". It becomes a habit that every time he passes gas she says ""one day you will shit you're guts out"" One day on Thanksgiving morning she decides she's had enough. She takes all the guts from the Turkey and sneeks them under the covers while her husband sleeps,then goes back to the kitchen to wait. After an hour or so she hears her husband scream then silence. H…

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ""The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us and most of us have had it, or will have it. Can anyone…