[Me and a friend have movie night, order pizza and do some acid] Me: "Hell yeah" Friend: "Hell yeah" Pizza: "Oh hell yeah"

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

[God making trees] God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food." Angel: "I don't--" God: "Also they breathe the opposite."

"It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.