Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

[God making trees] God: "They're alive but not. Every now & then they drop food." Angel: "I don't--" God: "Also they breathe the opposite."

"It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.

The only food in Hell is the part of the popcorn kernel that gets stuck between your teeth. Also they have an Olive Garden.