Driving Jokes

"Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"

If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.

If I were Santa Claus, I'd have my agent be like "He's not doing it this year if Ronald McDonald is going to be there in that shoe car."

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Son, it's ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car... "OMG DAD. WOW-" ...dboard box. "But-" Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

They found Richard III's skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

Movie tickets for 4: $56 Popcorn: $16 Hot dogs: $20 Sodas: $14 Candy: $15 Parking: $5 Seeing the smiles on your family's faces: $126

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn't have bought all this meat.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs' nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I'm gonna let that play out first.

Neat how we spend so much time and money on the war against pot but there are people driving around with eyelashes and antlers on their cars

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Glue a tiny mirror over your driver's license photo so when you hand it to the cops they get confused and start arresting themselves instead

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can't hear.

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I've already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

I'm glad the Founding Fathers aren't alive today because the last thing we need are more old people driving around on the roads.

"Weather on the 1s, Traffic on the 3s, We Hate You on the 2s, 4s, 5s, 6s, 7s, 8s, 9s, 10s, 11s, and 12s."

I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.

Twitter would be a lot more interesting if when you hit someone with your car, you got their followers.

Finally thought of a retort to my bro's friend who kicked me from his car in 1998 I don't need your Camero anyway Ricky MY LIFE is a joyride

(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I'd like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me. Barista: That will be $30 Me: How much for the car behind him?

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership] i feel like you're overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

A car is just a very small room with wheels

In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says "everyone be cool! Act normal!" Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It's not like I'm driving a giant metal instrument of death.