Driving Jokes

I would like to see more realistic math problems in schools cause there ain't no way some kid has 75 melons without stealing a produce truck

Get out of any speeding ticket by assuring the officer that you're already miserable and adequately beaten down by life.

I just saw a raccoon get hit by a Smart Car. The poor lil fella suffered a sprained ankle.

"The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead."- Birds

Paul is coming over tonight Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything? [car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I'm like, "what is wrong with me??" because I just got my car washed.

I'm doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I'm in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Four Worst Feelings Ever: 4. Losing your job 3. Romantic break up 2. Death of a loved one 1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic

Looked up from a text message and thought, "Oh shit. I'm driving."

Taylor Swift seems like one of those chicks who thinks it's cute to put her bare feet on the dashboard of a car when riding shotgun.

I can never remember if it's "laying" or "lying." Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road. :(

Just saw you on the beach and think you might look better in something that covers you a bit more. Like your car.

Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I'm an alcoholic. Operator: Ma'am, this is AAA. Me: I know. I'm an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.

*friend bites off beer bottle cap at party* HONEY! HONEY!! NOW!! NOW!!! *wife jumps out car with a hundred jars from the fridge*

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING "Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash"

Right? That noise. ~Me pretending that I know what I'm talking about when I get my car serviced

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished. There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Just pulled into the 'Expecting Mothers' parking spot at Walmart because I'm fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

I almost got hit by a car just now, but it was a cool car and I'm looking pretty cool today so it would have been cool.

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying

If someone doesn't realize their blinker is still on after one minute their car should explode.

Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail. JK It was me.

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.