Driving Jokes

Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.

[Car breaks down] Me:*inspecting engine* Date: is everything ok? Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep

Somebody wrote "wash me" on my car. I'm so lazy, I just wrote "no" under it.

WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we're all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we're going.

If you are a driver who swerves right before turning left, take a long hard look in the mirror, and then punch yourself in the face.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a "tip" for driving her around today. She laughed and laughed. Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous! me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.

[In bed with gf] "Do you have any fantasies?" Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one? "Yes.. why?" I want to hit her with my car

You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.

[car dealership] "Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?" *Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS* "Oh."

Wife: "you think all that sugar you fed the kids this morning was a wise idea?" Me: "why?" W: M: W: "they're running along side the car"

I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: "What do you do at a red light?" Me: "I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter."

Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you're the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore

Hubs: How long has your car been doing that? Me: ? Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight? Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.

[slashing food truck tires] friend: wtf are you doing?! [running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

[police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a light grey Me: ... My dog: if that helps

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. "Out of the car!" he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from Boston & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.

Driving isn't about making the moves you want, it's about preventing others from making the moves they want.

If you have more than zero bumper stickers on your car you have too many.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no... I have no idea who set your car on fire.