Driving Jokes

My car has started clicking at me. I think it's trying to tell me something, but the jokes on him, I don't speak a single African language.

Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."

Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car...DONT TELL ME!. Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%

[cop car] Buzzfeed Guy: It's okay I work for Buzzfeed Cop: You robbed 10 banks Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn't believe how much I got from #6!

"Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?" ...uhhhh, for driving in space?

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, "car bidet."

I hate when my wife says "GO WAIT IN THE CAR" because I'm not sure if she's talking to me or the kids.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what's around you.. And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

Thanks for posting your running route on Facebook. Now I know the best place to hit you with my car.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you're reading this, I want my boomerang.

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are! Criminals: I'll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

just missed a turn because I was trying to tweet "dong cheadle" while driving

I'm no auto mechanic but I'm pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

*Asks soulmate* What is your dream car and why? Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I'm a good person. I mean, I'm going to report it stolen, but still.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park :(

[traffic stop] Officer: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I'm guessing the aquarium called?

Saw a bumper sticker that said 'Jesus is the answer.' Two cars later I saw one that said 'Who farted?' Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

The handicap parking at the special olympics must be insane