Driving Jokes

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open. Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

i love our new home. LA is such a safe place and- *a dog drives by holding a pistol playing tupac in an el camino* denise get in the car

Stressed? Try this: Picture a lake at dawn. Ducks beginning to stir... Then drink 22 beers & drive your car into a church.

The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It's like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.

My car's GPS has learned to say "Your other left."

Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don't think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.

If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards does it become Highway to Hell?

I have a sweet parking spot at Target. I'm just going to sit here for the next 10 minutes with my reverse lights on, pissing people off.

I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I'm going with the latter

That's a really big gun in your pants. And that's how you get out of a speeding ticket.

I picked my nose in traffic today. Secretly hoping a tweeter who had run out of joke material saw me. You've gotta give to get, people.

I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

My girlfriend from high school called today. She's stoked about getting her driver's license.

[Putting petrol in car] 19.95 19.96 19.97 [stops] [gently now] 19.98 [very gently] 19.99 [ok, once more] [deep breath] 37.83 GODDAMMIT

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we'll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell] SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as 'Home' address?

"That'll be $147,382." - The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

going to park my car in the middle of this intersection until someone tells me I'm pretty

(Breaks car window to save a dog) Guy: I'm in the car! Me: Yeah but it's hot Him: The AC is on! Me: Can I get in? It's really hot out here.

"Do you need a ride?" Me, to every jogger I pass in my car

Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely tweeting faster than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.

In RL I'm a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.