Driving Jokes

"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."

My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said "HELP ME!". It was not.

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car? Me: I don't know but if you do, I'm not sharing.

Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.

Our Uber driver is literally participating in our conversation as if he's a full-fledged part of it. It's odd.

The reason your car won't go over 60 in the city is because you haven't yelled "HOLD ON!" yet.

(car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? "Aww for ur wife?" *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* yes

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced. -me, driving in England

I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.

It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.

If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

A woman just asked me to "unpark her car" and now I'm searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

wife: how is it outside? me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy's trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

[Ice Cream Truck] John Cena: I'll take an Icee, please. Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You? Cena: *grabs driver's shirt* No, you can't.

My mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today. It's really bad guys, I need your prayers. I'm so hungry.

'Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?' --my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car

If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can't even finish this one

The check engine light could be more specific...is it 'holy shit stop the car right now' or 'proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles'?

I just saved a bunch of monkeys on car insurance by telling them that monkeys don't drive so they don't need insurance.