"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said "HELP ME!". It was not.#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don't reply with "I'm too drunk, you get in."#Driving#Police#Bar#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway#High School#School#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"#Technology#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car? Me: I don't know but if you do, I'm not sharing.#Driving#Police#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.#Jay#Driving#Police#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Our Uber driver is literally participating in our conversation as if he's a full-fledged part of it. It's odd.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The reason your car won't go over 60 in the city is because you haven't yelled "HOLD ON!" yet.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
(car dealer) is the passenger seat also heated? "Aww for ur wife?" *imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru* yes#Marriage#Food#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn't know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.#Marriage#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The rest of these people must be totally shitfaced. -me, driving in England#England#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I tried driving today without texting, eating or getting high but it was so boring I fell asleep at the wheel. Thanks, Oprah.#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."#Animals#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos#Money#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A woman just asked me to "unpark her car" and now I'm searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
wife: how is it outside? me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy's trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Ice Cream Truck] John Cena: I'll take an Icee, please. Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You? Cena: *grabs driver's shirt* No, you can't.#John Cena#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My mom was in a horrible car accident on her way to pick up lunch today. It's really bad guys, I need your prayers. I'm so hungry.#Food#Driving#Parents0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
'Why are they arresting that dog?!? What did he do?!?' --my 6yo upon seeing a police dog sitting in the back of a police car#Animals#Driving#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can't even finish this one#Minnie Driver#Bradley Cooper#Marriage#Driving+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The check engine light could be more specific...is it 'holy shit stop the car right now' or 'proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles'?#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I just saved a bunch of monkeys on car insurance by telling them that monkeys don't drive so they don't need insurance.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp