Someone stole my car from the Target parking lot, but fortunately they returned it at 11:00 pm when it was the only car left in the lot.#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
* see weird traffic pattern * turns down radio * smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole * runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Bad news: I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school. Worse news: I'm a bus driver#School#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Women are like, "no I'm not mad" *sets your car on fire* Nope not mad#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
People do not know how to merge into traffic. All you do is yield, look left, close your eyes, and go.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
i show up at the range wearing a t-shirt that says "I Wont Wear The Earplugs" and i m promptly directed back to my car by staff members#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who's your dealer?#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car, Throw you off a street so high, Hope you break your neck and die.#Driving#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser. I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.#Animals#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I just saw a black guy driving a BMW and doing the speed limit. I'm following him until he pulls over b/c I know he has drugs in the car.#Bmw#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Ian: "I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car." Tim: "You did what?!" Ian: "Baked you a pie."#Tim#Ian#Animals#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
ME: I hit my neighbors car. CAT: I killed my last 4 owners. ME: YOU CAN TALK! CAT: ... ME: Wait, what did you just say? CAT: *blinks*#Animals#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day#Driving#Police0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I've decided to get stronger.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[he picks me up on 1st date] Him: What do you have there? Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you can't handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don't deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Get your rock star name, like Axl Rose did, by selecting a car part and then a flower. Mine is Crankshaft Tulip#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
cops shutting down my giant SLIP N' SLIDE again because the traffic on the highway needs to get around us I guess#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we'll be moving any second now.#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
me: Should I pack condoms? wife*laughs* me*driving* wife*still laughing* me*checks into the hotel* wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*#Marriage#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"My computer just crashed" is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm#Technology#Driving#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp