Driving Jokes

Yay! my car has a parking sensor and I didn't know. When I reverse too far it makes a banging, crunching noise.

We could completely eliminate car thefts by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* "Oh man my car windows are down!"

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

"Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart

Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p

I prefer regular taxis to Uber in NYC cause the driver and I can both treat each other like shit without worrying about getting a bad grade

Excuse me, ma'am. Your car doesn't make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.

Of course I can tweet, talk on the phone, eat a hamburger, and apply my lipstick. I'm only driving, you know.

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

I place my finger on the police officer's lips. "Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you."

How cute! Someone wrote "will you go to prom with me?" on my car. But they spelled it "I'm gonna kill you scumbag!". Ah, young love.

How to get a woman: 1) find one who sells cars 2) take a test drive 3) just keep driving She's yours now, plus you have a new car.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy GODZILA: i cant, im on a...low-car diet MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb GODZILA: ha ha HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

*makes sure kids are asleep* *walks out to car* *slowly unwraps candy bar* *hears knock on window* *puts head down* *hands it to them*

If you find me dead after tweeting & driving, please hit SEND to get that final thought out there

Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.

The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

You can park your car anywhere you want as long as you turn on your emergency blinkers. It's one of the more obscure lifehacks out there

My client's (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I'm obviously doing my job right.

[Calls boss] I won't be in today "Why not?" [camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car] I've got the shits.

One of the worst things about tweeting while driving is all of the people that seem to appear out of nowhere on the sidewalk.

The news said a condom truck overturned, spilled its huge load and made a big mess. I don't know if it got cleaned up because I fell asleep.

I'm not saying I hate you, I'm just saying that if you got hit by a bus, I would be driving that bus.

"Walk it off" does not apply to everything. Stupidity, for example. You're not walking that shit off unless it's in to oncoming traffic