Driving Jokes

Why don't you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

This guy says he rides a bike 20 miles a day, and then runs 5 miles a day too. Yo bro, you gotta get a car.

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

"Ughhh! It's raining! My hair and shoes are sooo gonna be ruined!" -rich people. "WOOHOOO free shower and car wash!" -poor people.

I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn't be oppressed.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it: "I wish my Wife was this Dirty".

"Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big." "That's a smart car."

A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, "Tell me if you can hear this," and then get in the trunk and start screaming.

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

94% of women will preface their parallel parking with, "I suck at parallel parking."

Every cab driver I've ever had seems like he killed thousands of people in his homeland.

"weed is a gateway drug" "to what? the fridge? Hahaha" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*

Anytime I see a motorcyclist weaving in and out of traffic and performing tricks I always root for the pavement

To make sure everyone cries at my funeral, I'm requesting they play nothing but Creed and Nickleback through factory car speakers.

I need an app on my phone to connect to the douches Bluetooth driving next to me so I can fart in his ear.

If you call the suicide hotline in Iraq they ask if you know how to drive a truck.

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

Two self-driving cars, certain of their inevitable collision, calculate the Klout scores of their passengers to decide which ones to save.

*walks into work 20 minutes late* *boss glares at me* "Sorry. Traffic." *boss gestures to my Starbucks cup* "Oh this? I found it."

I'm at my most NASCAR driver when I really have to pee.

Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i'm supposed to resist and all but if we don't cooperate we're both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.