Driving Jokes

Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.

hAD SO MYCH COFFEE WHO wantS TO HELP ME STOP KONY LETS GO LETS STEAL A CAR BRO CMON

Sorry I was late. I got stuck in internet traffic.

That's great about your engagement, promotion and new car. I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry. Samsies!

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

An honest driving school would name itself How to Drive When Cops Are Around School.

"So I go east? Then west? Then back east?" ~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..

I swear to god if I ever see a car exploding I'm going to walk away from it in slow-mo and hope that somebody is filming it on their iPhone.

Can't believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

Now taking pre-orders for my "Running after the Ice Cream Truck" fitness workout DVD.

Tell me your story, park-giant-truck-diagonally guy. Things will never get better if we don't dialogue.

wife: Why don't we run through the parking lot? me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it's dangerous

WHAT DO WE WANT? RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?? NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I'm sure I'm not the only person to ever use Google Maps Satellite feature to see whose car is in my driveway in the middle of the day.

Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

GPS: leftleft againtake another leftur gonna want to take this leftstay left NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here

"How am I driving?" No seriously, how did I get here. This isn't my car.

I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster.

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here. Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Since twitter, I don't go from home to car to work to car to home I go from charger to charger to charger to charger to charger

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off. Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.

COP: Know why I stopped you? "Drag racing?" COP: Nope. "Speeding?" COP: Definitely not. "Cuz I'm on a unicycle?" COP: That's the one.

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on] moth driving: omg moth wife: Harold no we have a baby moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD