Driving Jokes

Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here. Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving? GR: You should've forwarded that chain email.

[Arby's] BRO [jumping into car]: GO ME: it's lunch, not a bank heist B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag M: OMG I'm too pretty for jail

Mechanic said I blew a seal... Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

[At a psychic fair] Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money? Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep. He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I'm stuck and going nowhere with them

Still don't understand why all car commercials show the car skidding out of control.

I always say "I was wondering when you'd find me" when I get in my car. That way if someone's ever in the backseat I'll look cool as shit.

A hipster just darted in front of me in traffic. I almost didn't see him because he was so ironic.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife's idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

You were all Pluto's not even a planet and now you're watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.

that moment when you and the driver next to you catch each other picking your noses and you both nod like you're in a secret club.

Saying no thanks to a CW's offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn't be made before coffee

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as "options."

Can't wait for it to get dark earlier so I can pick my nose in traffic.

I turn into a Mexican soccer announcer when in driving in traffic GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way Car Guy: this ain't Pedestria buddy this is America

This dumbass next to me on the highway is texting and driving.

Lincoln was known for his signature look; stovepipe hat, chinstrap beard, fingerless driving gloves, Jordans, shirt with Ferrari logo on it

I don't want to be Oprah rich.I want to be "never drink off brand soda" or "my car stops because I hit the pedal,not because I prayed" rich.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you. However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he's driving them crazy? Me as a principal: Maybe