Driving Jokes

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.

This could just be the coffee talking but AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *lights car on fire*

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Tons of guys wave at me when I drive my wife's car.

i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse: If you're hot, she's cold If you're comfortable, she's cold If you're cold, she's not in the car

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it's easier to get pandas to mate.

I saw a snail driving in a car with a big s on it. It was amazing to see that escargot

Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

If you ever saw me race to the liquor store 5 mins before it closes, you'd hire me for a getaway driver in a bank heist any day.

"Gary give me the gun" "I thought you had it" "I TOLD you to bring it" "I didn't" "who brought the getaway car?" -Disorganized crime

Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people's cars saying "sorry for the damage." Film reactions. Profit.

Hey Febreze, I don't go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

Things I use my car for, from most to least: 1)Tweeting while parked 2)Snacking 3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy 4)Driving

Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole? Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can't be that.

I'm glad they outlawed texting while driving. I can finally get some use out of this calligraphy set.

I'm just looking for a woman who is smart, funny & can drive a getaway car tomorrow morning at 8

*scampers over to ice cream truck* Yes, I'll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

I recently adopted a highway, since I am unfortunately unable to have a biological highway

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us...

For years I thought hitchhikers were complimenting my driving.

cop: "you're drunk, get out of the car." judas: "bbut I've bbeen on tthe water all night." - [jesus whistles innocently]

George Bush punches an inflatable flailing arm tube man at a car dealership. It swings back and knocks him unconcious

Babies are like Starbucks because they're expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car