Driving Jokes

You can tell a lot about a person by their car.... For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don't want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

"HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?" "Ma'am, that's a watermelon"

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.

When I see someone driving the same car I'm driving, I always peer in to make sure it's not me from another dimension.

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

My husband is doing that cute thing where he would happily drive into oncoming traffic & kill us all while trying to find a bug on his leg.

(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm) Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT

I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn't have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

every time you say the word "turnt" a baby gets run over by a smart car

If I were a woman, I'd probably say things like "gotta go polish the petunia" and then back my car into a mailbox.

Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.

[turns up radio in the car] Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

I went to a Mechanic when my car started making these awful noises but it just turned out to be Nickelback playing on the radio.

Being elected President wouldn't give me the level of self-satisfaction I have after a car speeds by me & I end up next to it at a red light

Me:I think I just saw the main guy from Transformers you know, ol' what's his name Friend: Shia Lebouff Me: Yeah, the one whose a truck

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.

I'm considering funding a scientific study to determine why every car somehow looks like the one you're waiting for a ride from.

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I'm in the bathtub.

I'm the designated driver so it's mini bottles in the restroom for me

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I'm returning it.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I'm like "OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE"

still waiting to see a used car commercial that looks like they cared enough to do more than one take.