Driving Jokes

"911" you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat "how far apart are the contractions?" about 2 miles but I'm driving pretty fast

Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you're wrong & Raphael isn't the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.

What do I look for in a car? A sound-proof cabin so I can sing every rap lyric regardless of the neighborhood I'm driving through.

Me: yah after the car accident i can barely raise my arm Lawyer: how high could u raise it before Me:*raises arm over head* like this high

[on a first date] Ok, don't let her know you're really a squirrel... Her: I had a great time, good night! Me: *runs in front of her car

It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

M: I rear-ended some girl today W: Oh how much damage to her car M: Car?

Is that a cop behind me? No, just a car with a bike rack. Or maybe it's an undercover cop with a bike rack? -Weed

I'm going to donate these clothes I don't wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Thank goodness for wide, paved road shoulders that important people like me are entitled to use during traffic jams.

I like being handcuffed, but not plant heroin in my car, handcuffed.

I can't afford a police siren so I just taped a crying baby to the top of my car. It's working, people are moving out of my way.

Rolls down car window. Throws caution to the wind. Spends an hour cleaning caution off the side of the car.

Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

Spending the day driving past people taking pictures in public and yelling, "YUCK! DELETE!"

Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.

Every time you hire a clown for a kid's birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

When I see a "How am I driving?" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

Nowhere is it more evident That the middle finger IS a suitable mode of communication Than when driving to work

I'm a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I'm sleeping with my clothes on.

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

We go to college to get a good job to buy an expensive tv to watch truck drivers on the discovery channel.

Every time I survive a sneeze while driving on the freeway it feels like I jumped out of a plane w/out a chute and lived.

If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they're probably blacked out and just won't remember I stole their car.