Driving Jokes

Apparently If ur BF says "if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know. - smokers

[ 3 AM ] Friend: I got a flat and I'm stranded Me: Do you have snacks in your car? Friend: No Me: *Hangs up

I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

Hate when the cop is like, "Sir, have you been petting kittens?" and I say, "I petted a few..." as I open the car door and kittens spill out

Saw a Mexican lady driving around with a "Jesus" bumper sticker. Can't tell if she loves Jesus or is really supportive of her husband.

Holy crap! This guy in the car next to me is absolutely losing his shit over "My Heart Will Go On"...said the guy in the car next to me

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn't see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I'm crying alone in parking lots.

When the mechanic said I 'blew a seal', I was afraid he knew about that summer I worked at Sea World but it turns out it's some car thing.

"David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"

DOCTOR: "Ok, now PUSH!" WOMAN IN LABOUR: "Should I be doing this in my state?" DR: [leaning out of car window] "Less talky, more pushy."

If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.

There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.

*washing car* Neighbor: "You washing your car?" Me: "No. I'm watering it to see if it grows into a bus."

When people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

Cop: What happened? Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats. Cop: Can you describe the accident. Me: Adorable?

What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?" What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."

At my age, a new driver's license doesn't have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven't Expired On date.

"Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest." Britney Spears whispers, "Amateur."

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I'm driving.

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.