Driving Jokes

"Can you validate my parking?" "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud." *wipes away tears* "Thanks."

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I'm holding out until it's also a car wax.

Last night someone bashed my car window & stole my purse so I hope this thief enjoys his 17 tampons, stale gum & Sephora rewards card.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

Violently swerving ur car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesnt work like it does with humans. Just in case u need to know.

I'd rather pick my nose in traffic than arrive at my destination with a crusty booger. Anyone who says different is a liar.

SON: How are monster trucks made? ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth- GF: [glares] ME: He's old enough for the facts, Jane

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate

I flipped off a latino guy who cut me off in traffic and now I'm polling at 8% in the Republican primary.

I like telling car salesmen "Listen, we both know I'm not here to buy a car" and trying to figure out what it is they think I'm there to do

*looking under hood of car* "Well there's your problem" *removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

*goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

sick of bullshit dui checkpoint profiling just because i'm a white male with the jagermeister logo emblazoned across his truck windshield

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car

It's raining. I'm going to be late for work. I can't fit my hair in the car.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald's because fitness is a lifestyle

Texting while driving: Bad. Wrestling a shark while driving: STILL LEGAL! WOOHOOO!!!

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn't going to make me type any faster.

Hi, I'm your car's radio. I'll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I'll play your favorite song.

Does "fear of commitment" count towards a handicap parking space??

Optimus Prime: so it's settled. I'll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you're a camaro. Any questions? [Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest] "What did the priest have to say?" "He said you have to stop rapping over the choir."

What idiot called it a driver's test and not a Game of Cones?