I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching my license plate before I ran down all the people I hate

Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.