Driving Jokes

If you don't like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

ive learned that asians will always make Wong decisions when driving...

Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep

Its not what it looks like officer! "you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n'sync" Ok I guess it was what it looked like

I'm never drinking & driving again because the last time, it was a disaster. I lost control and ended up driving to a Robin Thicke concert.

It's sad that they drain power from so many horses to make car engines run.

crime tip: secretley grease a cop's butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he'll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street

[driving test] INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns? ME: Volcanoes I: About the test? M: No I: Ok then let's go M: *drives into active volcano*

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill] ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what's the problem officer

Dear Car Companies, Please replace glove compartments with toaster ovens.

*passes cop car with radar gun *stares in rear view mirror for next 3 days

My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

[Job interview] Interviewer: Do you have any questions? Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus? Interviewer: Holy shit

When someone says "sorry it's so messy in here" regarding their mostly clean car I laugh so loud I cough up several pieces of trash

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn't be fare to him

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

My Memory Lane is now mostly traffic cones.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up] *looks at driving test instructor* "finally"

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I'm pretty.

*gets hit by a car* Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?" Me: "Please... I need my... phone" *opens Twitter* Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"

Why is it whenever we see a police car, we drive like we have 10 kilos of cocaine and a stolen baby in the car?

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van

*notices wife has 5 asparagus on her plate while I only have 4* everything ok? "fine" [hour later during car ride home] you're speeding