Driving Jokes

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians [walking] Goddamn drivers [both] Goddamn cyclists

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it's because I have drugs missing.

Whoa. Wait a minute. So those stick figures on your car aren't for pedestrians you ran over? Damn it! *starts scraping off her stickers*

Relationship status I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.

When there's a police car behind you with their lights flashing... It means speed up, right?

Him: Are you on your way? Me: Yes, this cab driver sucks! *changes outfit for the 6th time, gulps wine and requests an uber*

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter] EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone? ME: You must be new here.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

I'm sorry, I'm about to lose you because I'm driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

wife: Did you work late? [flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending] me:Yep

If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.

I like to write "made you look" on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.

[graduation] ...and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear* [crowd cries] *dad walks in holding starbucks* "traffic, my bad"

*At The Opera* Her: Where are you going? Me: I have to go to the Men's Room. Her: I have the car keys. Me: Shit!

~ Gets old. Puts car keys in 'better' place so I won't lose them ~ Can't find keys, has thrombosisDies ~ Comes back as ghost ... finds keys

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

Oh, elderly neighbor: You defeated Hitler, yet you somehow can't figure out the car alarm?

[used car] ME: my credit's bad SALESMAN: k ME: i'm a criminal SALESMAN: no law against that ME: i'm on the run SALESMAN: then you need a car

I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Cop said that it's illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car. I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

John Travolta looks like the type of guy that would leave his toupee in a truck stop urinal for hours and then wear it to a musical.

One of the underrated 2011 subplots is the battle between local car dealer commercials & hostage videos on who has worse production value.

Optimus Prime: "I transform from a robot into a truck. You?" Amazon Prime: "I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM."

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick] Hi, you left your number on my car. Who's going to clean this?