Driving Jokes

Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: SHE'S IN LABOR! Cop: That's a beach ball in a wig. Me: Cop: Me: I don't think I'm the father. Cop: Get out.

Cop: You were speeding. Me: Objection your honor. Cop: I'm not a judge. Me: Permission to approach the bench. Cop: What? Me: Sustained.

If the people in your car don't match the stick figures on your rear window, I'll report your vehicle stolen.

If the car behind me honks while waiting for my parking space at the mall, I turn off my car and visibly start a rubik's cube.

If you didn't want me to wash my car on your lawn than you never should have turned your sprinkler on.

We'll take these $75 baby shoes. No need for a shoe box. We'll just let him wear & outgrow them on the car ride home.

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

Afraid to fly? It's perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov't employees forced to work the holidays. Merry Xmas.

Penguins can't fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don't have to clean penguin shit off my car.

No one, NO ONE, hates their life more than the dude driving a minivan with the stick figure family decals on the back window.

Girl I'm so sorry your parents died, was it Kony? Oh a bus accident. Was Kony driving the bus

pranking neighborhood teens by pulling my car into their driveway & putting a bow on it so they think their parents bought it for them

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I'm saying is Batman is a douche

I haven't cleaned my car in so long that I still have paper maps in my glovebox

Uber driver told me he's an actor & has been nailing all of his auditions & is up for a big role I was like cool you're going the wrong way

*driving my date to the ER* I told you my possum doesn't like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

Someone just honked to get me to get out of my parking spot faster so now I have to sit here until both of us are dead

It's fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car's side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

I didn't want the cop to see that my car's registration tags weren't current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too

If it's so good why can't I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

"Ma'am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I'm gonna need you to step out of the car." "Um, I have a boyfriend."

89% of being a parent is telling my kids to put on shoes before we leave the house and then getting in the car wearing my slippers.

Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.

Every time I try to pick up chicks a description of my car ends up on the news.

I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going.