Driving Jokes

[walking away from taco truck] WIFE: whats wrong ME: nothing WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco ME: *wiping away tears* no

We have enough breakfast items for the toaster now, food scientists. Move on to the car heater vent.

Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There's PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don't enjoy yourself.

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we're in the car *5 secs later Me: What're you eating? 5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ......Nothing

Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car - stop steering so much.

If you ask a lot of questions and then rob the cab driver, every cab becomes a cash cab.

ME: I want to take long walks with you. HER: Aww...are you a romantic? ME: No, I don't have a car.

My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.

This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.

Me: *mouths I love you* Him: M: *blows kiss* H: M: *adjusts my pajama top* H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can't figure out why she's crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

I was wondering why I wasn't picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

My car keeps pulling to the right forcing me to steer left. Either the alignment is off or I'm trying to drive a Republican.

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there's no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

23% of traffic accidents involve cell phone use, but 77% do NOT involve cell phone use. Statistics don't lie. It's safer to use your phone.

Was gonna buy a new car but got my groceries for the week at Whole Foods instead

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver's license.

Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

I got a flyer in the mail that said "Get into a new car no questions asked!" Bullshit... my neighbor still asked WTF I was doing in his BMW.

It's a good thing I'm off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

The early bird waits in his car for 20 minutes so as not to seem desperate.