Driving Jokes

Officer: Did u know your back light is out Me: I don't know if you noticed... I'm inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Statistically if driving a stake through the heart kills vampires, we're all vampires.

"The car that was driving slow in front of me turned, I better drive fast now so the cars behind me don't think It was my fault." Everyone

[in car] Wife: Dont tell ur arm story Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe *at party* AND THAT'S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that's pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it's too snowy to drive. SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

When I'm looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it's quieter...

I just want a car with pop-up headlights. Do they still make those? Love would be good too.

Pharmacist: Don't take this while driving and make sure you eat- *crushes pill and snorts off the counter* "Ok"

I got hit by a car today, guys. Don't worry. I'm okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.

"Yep, I'm going to jail." When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*

ACTORS' TIP: can't afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add "driving stunts" to your resume

1998: - Don't get in strangers' cars - Don't meet ppl from internet 2016: - Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

there's a guy with a pt cruiser at the car wash bet it's hard to keep clean when girls are just constantly smashing their pussies against it

Wow I never thought you'd agree to go out with me *starts car, Whitesnake is playing at full volume*

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

The forecast isn't calling for rain so I'm just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn't 'funny' and is technically 'wasting' police time :(

I was tailgating a slow driver earlier. He brake checked, flipped me off, and when that didn't work he turned his police lights on. Jerk.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

When done right parallel parking is a beautiful thing to watch.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.