Driving Jokes

I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

My neighbors are organizing something called a "fun run". This shit never happened when I lived in my car.

Just once, I'd ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I'm driving, especially considering I've had 12 beers.

My kid throwing her toast out the car window was more badass than anything I've done in the last 10 years.

Highway Driving 101: Left Lane: People in a hurry, People who can drive. Right Lane: Elderly People, Asians, Women, Dogs, Infants.

They say video games teach kids bad habits, but I've gotten out of at least 17 DUI's by flinging a banana peel at the cop car behind me.

[last day at job] "You've made my life a misery, I hate you all" [remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift] "Not you tho Phil"

I just tried to type "cop car" but it autocorrected to "cop cat" and boom I just came up with the title of a new hit detective show.

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Idea to help fight the obesity epidemic in America: Force Walmart to keep their parking spaces at least 200 yards from their entrances.

I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.

The hour I lose from daylight savings time will now be multiplied by 6 as I try to change the time on the clock in my car.

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Just saw a billboard that said, "Texting & Driving Is Dangerous!" Hahaha... that's so lamOMG I JUST HIT A CIRCUS ELEPHANT!!!

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

If you get pulled over for speeding on the highway, police are legally required to let you go if you tell them 'Black Betty' was playing.

i was baptized in a car wash

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you've used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

"MAYBE IT'S THE TRANSMISSION!" I scream helpfully when I drive past anyone who's car is broken down on the side of the road...

Cops: "Please step out of the car" Me: "I can't. I'm drunk. You get in."

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

A guy in the store on his cell said "Susan, I'm in my car on my way" so I yelled "NO HE'S NOT!" Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

Paranoid? Nope. I'm just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.