Driving Jokes

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I'm on an intense business call.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook. And in my bed And on my couch And in my car And when I was at work

If I tell you I can't text you because I'm driving it's only because I'm also eating.

Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.

[walking down street with date after dinner] him: i had a great time me: yep... [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

I just whispered "Come at me, bro" to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I'm in my car driving away from my old life.

"Guess what!" "What?" "I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!" "Oh I love that dance move!" "It's a dance move?"

"My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am." - bumper sticker I put on my Ex's car

My longest relationship was when an Uber driver took me all the way to the airport once.

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?

That moment. You're driving, music blaring singing at the top of your lungs. You're a rockstar till the music cuts out & you hear your voice

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?

My girlfriend's car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

Romantic first date idea: get too nervous beforehand and drive your car into a river

A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.

I can't wait for MTV's next reality show about car wash employees that hold in farts until they're cleaning the inside of your car.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

"I bought a new car!" Whoa that's a lemon, how much did you pay? "Only $3,200" Dude it's literally a piece of fruit "Damn....not again"