Driving Jokes

My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell "OMG! I'm on my way now!" & tell them my brother had a bad car accident.

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

i was just about to ramp my car off a cliff into the ocean but then i remembered someone had told me to drive safe earlier

You know your driving really sucks when your GPS says "After 300 yards, stop and let me out"

It's like grandma always said... In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs

Schools should teach kids how to balance a checkbook & basic car maintenance & how to hide a drinking problem. Regular life stuff ya know.

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

I don't mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.

"Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?" "Actually I think it was when you hit me with your car-" "WE GOT AN ANGEL OVER HERE!"

Fact if it's mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that's not enough babies!

There's a highway to hell. There's only a stairway to heaven. So a car ride downhill or an arduous climb up. Anyway, welcome to the baptism.

You can tell a lot about a person by the type of car they drive. For example, if they drive a Taxi, they're probably a cab driver.

I've never had a beer explode in my car. I've never left a beer alone that long.

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun. *crashes vehicle* "OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!" *dies smiling*

Me: *in bed with dogs* *car drives down street* Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

Vanilla Ice arrested for grand theft. Cops say, "He jumped in the car, slammed on the gas bumper to bumper, the avenue's packed."

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called "Parking Violation".

[loudly so dad who's been depressed since mom left can hear] Oh no, my GPS broke! If only I had some good DRIVING DIRECTIONS *dad looks up*

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

When you see someone driving with their shirt off it makes you feel so stupid for driving with your shirt on.

It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.

"Just dashing to the shops" Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes] Man [grabs car keys]

When taking your dog to the vet it's very important to remember to put your dog in the car.