Driving Jokes

[gets pulled over for speeding] Where's the fire ma'am? *grips lighter* "I'm not sure yet"

I'm amazed by the number of people who text while driving. How do they manage to maintain control of their car without spilling their beer?

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they'll mace and taser you. In that order.

Things I Suck At: 1. straws, ha ha jk lol 2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I'm really terrible at this 3. straws, haha same joke as before

This could be the LSD talking, but I'm pretty sure I'd be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.

I am the designated driver of 5 40ish women attending a wine tasting. Your thoughts and prayers are appreciated during this difficult time.

Smartphone owners are the bravest. They're not afraid of anything not even death. They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car's lights are on.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn't want someone to hack in and...pay my insurance bill

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

How are expecting to cure cancer when we as a society can't figure out how to merge into traffic correctly?

Mechanic: that's gonna cost $2000 Me: how much? Mechanic: $3000 Me: what did you say before that Mechanic: I said "that's gonna cost"

Of course I'm not leaving. I'm just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

my Liam Nissan is missing from the parking lot it's been taken 2014

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred's car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they're building... Me: what a great place to bury a body!

It's especially on Fridays at 5 pm when I wish I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.

Remember, when you're driving in the snow, it's important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don't get stuck.

Me: why did you stop me? Cop: for starters you're not wearing a seatbelt. Me: what about main course? Cop: step out of the car.

I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets.

If I drank as little alcohol as I tell my doctor I'd weigh as little as I tell the people at the DMV when I renew my driver's license.

"When I'm done shitting on your car I'm going to watch your wife undress through her window"-Birds

Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.