Driving Jokes

It's 2014 and somehow we still don't have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I've just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

One fun thing about having a crappy car is abruptly shutting off the air conditioner on the highway and pretending you have a hyperdrive.

Why are things sent by car called shipments, and things sent by ships called cargo?

Just made eye contact with a truck driver while eating a corn dog at a convenience store and now I hate everything.

Son, there's only one thing in life to fear. [Car full of bears with machine guns drives by] Son, there are only two things in life to fear.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

The wind blew a smart car into my lane and I had to roll down my window and swat it out of the way.

POP RACIST MATH PROBLEM QUIZ! Jamal has $600 rims on his car. He's traveling at 45 mph. How many children does Jamal have? show your work.

Nice try traffic, but I'm not murdering anyone today.

I always go the extra mile at work. That's why I'm a terrible taxi driver.

I need a car. Hiding in people's trunks and hoping they're going to Wal-Mart isn't working out for me.

[1st day as cop] captain: "why did you call for back up" me: "there was a fly in my car" swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do"

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman* DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

"Calm down" I suggested. "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M NOT CALM?" she carved in the side of my truck.

My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.

Don't forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.

When I see one of those student driver cars, I always honk a lot and yell, "You're doing great!" I think they appreciate the encouragement.

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

Cops got new drunk driving tests. There's one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Whoopi Goldberg & ask you, 'Is she attractive?'

I'm so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

Good cop: license and registration please Perp: I'm sorry was I speeding Dad Cop: hi sorry was I speeding, I'm dad.

If you've been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom