Driving Jokes

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I'd secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Based on pick up truck commercials, I really should be getting into the crumbled rock industry.

uber driver said he used to work at disney world and did acid all the time

Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.

"do you know why I pulled one over on you?" becau- wait what? "I'm not a real cop lol" haha nice! *pulls gun* "I am taking your car though"

ME: Pet it OPTIMUS PRIME: But I'm afraid of it ME: It's just a dog OP: Oh..ok [reaches out] DOG: [sneezes] OP: [transforms into large truck]

*gets caught breaking into used car lot* *desperately attempts to blend in with inflatable arm flailing tube men*

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent Is a driver's Ed instructor

It's strange when I see a deer out in nature because I always assumed their natural habitat was right in front of my car on the highway.

If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.

Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?

I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.

Cop: You know why I pulled you over? M: Speeding? C: No! M: Not using my blinker? C: No! M: Because I'm drunk? Cop: Sir get off the mower!

I like how this car asks me if it's safe to move in reverse. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today. Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal. Me: My truck.

When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a post-apocalyptic demolition derby.

If you're already in the cop car, I really can't see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Fun Fact: If someone's car alarm keeps going off, you're legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Do women know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He's been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

I don't know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper - maybe be a problem solver

"It's MY way, or that other way!" -Ultimatums before the invention of the highway

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.