wife: "he never reacts appropriately, just tell him" doctor: "ok, keith we had to remove both your legs" me: "where will i keep my car keys"

[couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

The Dentist A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, ""Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!"" The dentist thought to himself, ""My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."" So the dentist asked h…

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a... I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better. I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment. I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarriage. I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a UPS deliveryman because he'll have a bigger package I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a sniper because he…