Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you? [cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident#Me And I#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Being elected President wouldn't give me the level of self-satisfaction I have after a car speeds by me & I end up next to it at a red light#Me And I#Politics#Driving0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I always yell "Cut!" after I drop the soap in the shower because there's usually some Peeping Tom filming me & I want that part edited out.#Peeping Tom#Me And I0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm responsible for the deaths of 100's local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!#Me And I0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I make out with guys that wear Abercrombie & Fitch cologne because it rubs off on me & I love how it smells, but shopping there is SOOO gay.#Cologne#Abercrombie And Fitch#Me And I0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Me: I HAD A VISION! I was a GARDEN GNOME & I was ridding a FLAMINGO & the FAIRIES sprinkled cocaine on me & I FLIED!! My Therapist: .....#Gnome And I#Me And I#Doctor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My wife just dropped her keys & said "What's WRONG with me?" & I named 6 things before I realized it was a rhetorical question.#Me And I#Marriage0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Marriage is all about trust and understanding. She doesn't Trust me & I don’t understand her!#Me And I#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp