Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you? [cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Being elected President wouldn't give me the level of self-satisfaction I have after a car speeds by me & I end up next to it at a red light

I always yell "Cut!" after I drop the soap in the shower because there's usually some Peeping Tom filming me & I want that part edited out.

I make out with guys that wear Abercrombie & Fitch cologne because it rubs off on me & I love how it smells, but shopping there is SOOO gay.