Bill Clinton Jokes

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with, ""This was England's finest hour."" Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, ""Winston Churchill."" ""Congratulations,"" said the teacher, ""you may go home."" The teacher then said, ""Ask not what your country can do for you."" Before she could finish this quote, a…

""Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern."" - Craig Kilborn ""In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."" - Jay Leno ""In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair,…

CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and la…

Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had? A: A mandate to govern.

President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. ""Who goes there?"" inquired St. Peter. ""It's me Bill Clinton"". ""What bad things did you do on earth?"" Clinton thought a bit and answered ""Well I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied but I didn't commit perjury."" After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied ""OK here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be the…

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. ""What happened to you?"" asked Bill. ""Well the Farmer gave me the wine his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-…

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter? A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents? A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore? A: Yeah they were Bill Clinton.

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did? A: A dead girlfriend.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton ""Are you ready to order?"" Clinton replies ""Yes I'd like a quickie."" ""A quickie?!?"" the waitress replies. ""Sir given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."" She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says ""It's pronounced Quiche.""

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies? A: He's the stiff one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face? A: If his lips are moving then he's lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common? A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called ""middle of the road Democrat""? A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs. They're called ""The Johnson Years"".

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails? A: Because when his term is through he won't be going to school.

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck? A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin? A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade? A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president's spouse Bill Clinton.

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. ""George what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Set an honest and honorable example just as I did"" advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. ""Tom what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"" Clinton asked. ""Cut taxes and reduce the size of government"" advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night and s…

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a ""tragedy"". One little boy stands up and offers ""If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him that would be a tragedy."" ""No"" Clinton says ""That would be an ACCIDENT."" A girl raises her hand. ""If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."" ""I'm afraid not"" …

Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant? A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis? A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.