Bill Clinton Jokes

Bill Clinton steps off of a helicopter on the Whitehouse lawn, carrying two pigs. A marine is there to greet him and says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton replies, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine says, "Nice trade, sir!"

Four former U.S. presidents... Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas. Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz. “What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?” Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.” ”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?” Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a …

Obama died joke One day in the future, Barrack Obama has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Ob…

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbledupon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to bring peace to the Middle East, See this map?" Bill pulls out a sweat covered…

It was the first day of a school in USA and a... ...and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said. 'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'' Again, no response excep…

Smart Mexican It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "? Again, no response except fr…

Bill Clinton is on Air Force One when the Flight Attendant approaches with the lunch menu... Bill looks at the menu briefly, and then looks up and down at the attendant before giving her a wink. He leans over and says "Well, I sure could go for a quickie right about now." The Attendant is flattered on some level but quickly starts flushing red at the terror of being about to learn just how far she'd go to keep her job. Al Gore is sitting right across from Bill reading his own menu, and immed…

Johnny was sitting in class... ...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR" "Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave. She asks the next quote: "If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong." Johnny raises his hand again, but Sarah calls out "Abe Lincoln" The teacher lets Sarah leave. At this point, Johnny is getting p…

Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach... One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The genie, having been in the lamp for eons, didn't know anything about this and asked Bill to explain. Bill pulled out a map of the Middle East an…

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship. Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship. As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!" George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!" Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

First Day of School It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican immigrant, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth" "? Again, no response except from P…

The Ant and the Grasshopper CLASSIC VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold. MODERN VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The …

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day. Due to a clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night in Heaven. The next day the paperwork got worked out. On his way up to Heaven, the Pope ran into Clinton. Clinton asked the Pope, "How was your nigh…

Where does Bill Clinton hide when he plays hide and seek? Between the Bushes!

What do John F Kennedy and Bill Clinton have in common? Both of their political careers ended with a stained dress.

Hillary and Bill sneak away from the secret service Hillary and Bill Clinton sneak away from the secret service and go for a drive. The two end up at a gas station and when they walk in, Hillary recognizes the clerk. Hillary says hello to him and the two walk out. She turns to Bill and says “I used to date that guy before I met you” Bill laughs and laughs and says “wow, imagine where you’d be if you would’ve married that guy!” Hillary looks back at Bill and says “I’d be married to the Presid…

Bill Clinton and Al Gore decide to go eat out at a diner After giving them some time

Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving? He won't inhale.

How was Bill Clinton able to maintain a steady surplus during his presidency? He had a great Al Gore rhythm.

Bill Clinton is showing a new female intern around the White House They finally reach the doors of the oval office and Bill asks her

The problem with Bill Clinton Is that he never learned harass was one word.

Bill Clinton George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Santa? Santa stops at 3 'Ho's'

Bill Clinton tried to cheer up Hillary this morning. He reminded her that Nelson Mandela wasn't elected President until after he had served 27 years in prison.

Bill Clinton died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates