Tim Jokes

Downhill Skiing 3 rock climbers (Bob, Tim, Jack) were attempting to climb Everest. In a freak accident, Bob and Tim lost all of their supplies. Unable to progress any further, they decide to make camp and share jack's supplies. The three of them slept side to side, with bob and Tim on either side of jack. In the morning, as they made their way down the mountain, bob was telling the other two about his dream last night. Bob said, ""man I dreamt this buxom blonde gave me a vigorous hand job last n…

What's the difference between Tim cook and a dead body? Tim cook gets to come out of the closet.

Tim's father has three sons: Snap, crackle, and...? Tim

Two poets die and go to heaven. When they arrive saint Peter tells them that he only has room for one poet in heaven. He decides that the fairest way to decide who gets in is to have a competition. He tells them that the one that makes the best poem using the word timbucktoo will be allowed in. After thinking for a while the first poet says, ""I looked upon the golden land, I looked upon the golden sand, a golden ship came in to view, its destination was timbucktoo."" The secound one looks a bit…

My buddy You ever have one of those friends that are just OBSESSED with Star Wars? Yeah, me too. Tim Lehey is his name. Number of years he went to a -con where he met this girl Carol Hu. Now, Carol was a friggin Star Wars nut herself. They'd go on and on about how Lucas was so great and...blah blah blah... Well, they had one hell of a whirlwind romance, and decided to get married. Well, Carol was really proud of her ancestry, and told Tim that she wasn't going to take his name, so they decided t…

A man and his blind dog An old, retired coach is walking his blind dog and a couple walk by and ask to pet the dog, They inquire about the dog's name and he replies, ""Timothy."" ""What a strange name for a dog,"" the lady exclaimed. The coach, without skipping a beat replied, ""Well, there's no 'eye' in Tim""

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day. When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, ""We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to make up a poem, on the spot, using that word. The person with the best poem gets in today."" They nodded their hea…

The drowning man. Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ""Brenda, may I come in?"" he asks. ""I've somethin' to tell ya."" ""Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"" ""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ye, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."" ""Oh, God no!"" cries Brenda. ""Please don't tell me..."" ""I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."" Finally, she …

Poet vrs the North American Native Indian So a Poet and a Native American have died and they are standing at the pearly gates of St. Peters. It has been a long day and is about closing time and St. Peter wants to end his shift so decides to let in only 1 of them before he shuts the gates for the night. His staff also want to end the work day and letting both in would cause to much late in the day paperwork. St Peter looked at the files for both and realized both qualified to get in but the paper…

OCD Bartender A husband and wife walk into the cleanest bar you've ever seen. It is their monthly date night and they are dressed to impress! The first thing they notice walking through the doors is a sparkle emitting from the glasses across the establishment. They look around and notice pictures on the wall lined up as if they were hung on a grid system. They proceed through the aisles of tables with stowed chairs positioned in perpendicular fashion to the next. The husband glances at TVs place…

Can Eddy cut a new hamster mane? No, but we're dailin' Tim as a Jew sits for my aunt.

Ex-Wife An Avid Sportman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ""Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."" Tim gets this horrified look …

A genius and a pollock were fighting over who was smarter. After much bickering the genius says ""Let's go to the college. My friend is a professor there and he can solve this."" The pollock agrees and off to the college they go. After listening to much debate from the two the professor says ""I have the solution. I want you both to write an essay and tomorrow you both have to read it in front of my class. Best one wins. The catch is it has to end in the word Timbuktu."" They both agree and head…

So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty] ...a Harvard grad, and a Polak. Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. ""You both have 30 minutes to write a poem,"" he says. ""But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job."" Both men accept the instructions and retreat to their respective rooms. 5 minutes later, out pops the Pole, claiming he is done. ""Fine, that's …

There was once a poetry competition... and it was down to the final two contestants. The first was an English Lit professor from Harvard while the second was a country boy from the back woods of Alabama who had somehow made it that far. For the finals the moderator says ""Gentleman, I will now ask each of you to create a poem using the word 'Timbuctu.' Good luck and may the best man win. Harvard, you may go first."" The professor takes the stage, stands there for a second, clears his throat and …

There is no ""I"" in ""team."" But there's an ""I"" in ""Tim,"" and my friend Carlos pronounces it ""team"" so....there

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ""Brenda, may I come in?"" he asks. ""I've somethin' to tell ya."" ""Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"" ""That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."" ""Oh, God no!"" cries Brenda. ""Please don't tell me...."" ""I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."" Finally, she looked up at Tim…

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck who was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word ""Timbuktu."" The p…

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.' Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited 'Through the desert all …

It seems three Irishmen Sean Michael and Tim passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates they were met by ST. Patrick himself and he addressed the boys thusly: ""Lads I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing when you go through these gates don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks and try as he might sure enough h…

Tim once took his small cousin with him while he went fishing: When he returned he was looking very fed up. ""I'll never do that again"" he complained to his Dad. ""Did she frighten off the fish?"" enquired Dad. ""No"" replied Tim. ""She sat on the bank and ate all my maggots.""

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to he politely asked ""Whatcha doing Tim?"" ""My goldfish died"" replied the boy tearfully without looking up. ""And I've just buried him."" The neighbor was concerned. ""That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied ""That's because he's inside your cat.""

Tim is out drinking one night... He wants to go home but is extremely drunk so he decides to walk. After two steps he falls down. He stands up, walks another two steps and falls down again. This continues all the way home where he climbs up the stairs in agony but doesn't utter a single groan since he doesn't want his wife to notice and gets into bed next to her, makes sure he didn't wake her up and sleeps. The next day, his wife tells him: "Tim, you moron! Didn't I tell you not to go out dri…

Ogden Nash and Robert Frost die and are facing St. Peter at the Pearly Gates... St. Peter doesn't recognize them and asks for identification. They both respond that they are great poets from Earth and are surprised that they're not recognized. St. Peter challenges them - "If you're such great poets. let me hear you form a rhyme for "Timbuktu". The poets think for a moment, then finally Robert Frost speaks first. "With such little time, I can only come up with this....". He then continues. …

I have a friend named Tim who is dyslexic and shares too much. We call him Tmi.