Tim Jokes

Long - 2 Poets Two men arrive at the pearly gates, each claiming to be famous poets. St. Peter cannot believe they both are poets, so he decides to give them a test. He tells them to compose a poem of 4 lines, with the last word being Timbuktu. He gives them 30 minutes. After the time is up, the first man approaches. He has on a tweed jacket, with patches on the elbows. His hair is combed, and he has a pipe in his teeth. He recites this poem: Across the hot Sarah sands Rode the dusty craven Man …

On a hot afternoon, Scrooge the miser and his grandson, Tim, were walking home from a party. Tim complains, ""Gramps, it's still a long way back to our house. It's hot and I'm tired. Look, there's a bus stop here. Can we please take the bus home?"" Scrooge is aghast. ""It'll cost us six dollars to get home from here! What a waste of money! We'll walk it."" Tim sighs, but he's a good kid, and doesn't fuss about it. They barely walk a few feet, when Scrooge sees a passing taxi and hails it. ""How …

What's Tim Cook's new nickname? Jack The Ripper

What cereal was removed from Tim Cook's breakfast? Apple Jacks

New tattoo Tim's girlfriend loved tattoos, and every so often she would get a new one. One night she came home to show him a brand new tattoo on the inside of her right thigh, it was of a clam shell. The next day Tim was talking to his friend, and he told him about his girlfriend's new tattoo. ""If you put your ear up to it can you hear the ocean?"" His friend chuckled. Tim smiled, and replied ""No, but I can smell it.""

There's this faith healer, preaching to a crowd. He asks for volunteers to be healed! 'I-I-I'll cccome up' said a member of the congregation. 'Yes child, you, come up!' He goes on stage. 'What's your name son?' 'T-T-T-Tim' 'And is it your stutter I can cure for you Tim?' 'Y-y-yes' replied Tim. 'PRAISE THE LORD I WILL HEAL YOU OF YOUR STUTTER' proclaimed the preacher. 'I need one more to perform this miracle on'. 'ME!' shouts a man. 'And what's your name son, and what can I do for you?' 'My name …

""honey don't you think you're treating one of our kids unfairly?"" ""who? Tim, Felix or the fat one?""

An Irish Woman visits a friend.... An Irish Woman visits a friend, Tim, who opens the door, visibly upset. ""Oh Mary, i'm afraid something terrible has happened, your husband, he's dead."" He says. ""Oh god, what happened?"" She inquired. ""Pat and I were working at the Brewery, and he went straight into the vat."" Mary began to well up ""Oh heavens."" she exclaimed ""Was it quick? Did he suffer?"" She asked ""No love, he got out three times to take a piss.""

Look inside her mouth George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically. George stopped his car and ran to him. ""Tim! Are you all right?"" Sobbing, Tim moaned, ""Look at my new car!"" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree. ""Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."" ""But look inside the car."" George did and said, ""Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry! You can always get another girlfriend."" Tim wailed, ""Look inside her mouth!""

A knock on Tim Cook's Door Knock, Knock. Who's There? IRS. IRS Who? Tax Audit You Idiot

[mildly nsfw] Two infant twins Tim And Tom keep fighting for their mother's milk.... Two twins, Tim and Tom, keep fighting over their mother and whom she loves more. The mom usually nursed Tim on the left breast and Tom on the right one. One night, Tim applies poison to the left one and Tom applies poison to the right one. The next morning the mother wakes up to find... That the father is dead.....

A day in the office I work in this office and there are some strange charecters here, for example we have this penny pinching boss who is so strict he keeps a password on the thermostat, locked at 55 degrees. Luckily, we are on good terms so I am the only person who knows the password, 0451 if you want to know. Sometimes he changes it like for the New Years he sets it as the year, or Christmas time when he changes it to the date, but it's late fall right now so there he has it set as the regular…

A Metric System Pun ""Hey,"" says Bob to Tim. ""I have a riddle for you."" ""Oh?"" asks Tim. ""Well shoot."" ""Okay,"" Bob replies. ""What do you get when you have ten dams in one place?"" ""Ten dams?"" asks Tim. ""Ten dams,"" confirms Bob. ""Like a beaver dam and such."" ""Oh this is a hard one,"" says Tim. ""Ten dams, huh? Ten dams... Hm...""

Tim the Conductor Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the trains nearly every day by screwing up his timing, causing other trains to have to wait on him. Tim's conducting got worse and worse as time went on. One day, Tim decided to try and …

This bloke said to me, ""Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?"" I said, ""Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy.""

Smartest human competition Once upon a time a major TV outlet hosted greatly revered competition to determine the smartest, wisest, brightest specimen of Homo Sapiens once and for all. The popularity and feedback was unprecedented. Millions applied. After months of long and detailed tests ranging from simple IQ tests to timed QED calculations a surprising result emerged. There was two unexpected standing challengers: An Irish priest and an Australian farmer. Grand jury began final round televise…

Jim: Tim, see if the indicator lights are working... Tim: Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...

Tim buck two One day, my mate Tim and I went camping, we met three girls in their tent. I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

A Southern Man vs. a Yankee for a job After a lengthy interview process, the HR department selected 2 Gentlemen for a final interview for a top spot in an advertising firm, a Yankee and a Southern man. The final interview challenge was simple enough, come up with a poem for the advertising firms newest client Timbuktu. The Yankee was a Ivy league graduate and jumped up to go first. "" Out across the desert sands, Roams a lonely caravan. Underneath a sky of blue, Destination Timbuktu!"" The adver…

Tim & Jim went had coffee They both ordered hot coffee and after a while, Jim yelled ""OMFG ! Drink fast before it cools !"". Tim asked why and Jim said ""Hot coffee is $10 and Cold is $50.""

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up his parent's driveway in a Porsche.... Naturally, his parents know that there's no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car. ""Where did you get that car?"" his mom and dad screamed in shock. He very calmly tells them, "" I bought it today."" ""With what money young man?"" his mom demands. ""We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it"" ""Well, it's used and I Got a good deal"" says the boy, ""This…

Tim The Train Expert Long read but worth! There was this man named Tim and Tim comes from a long line of train conductors. His father was a train conductor and so was his father before him. But as Tim grew up he realized that was not his passion but the pressure from his family to follow in his fathers footsteps was too great, so after Tim graduated high school he enrolled in training in hopes to be hired at a train station. After a few years of going through this training school and failing man…

JET FUEL ALCOHOLICS Two airplane mechanics named Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usally have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, ""I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel."" Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, ""How are you feeling?"" Tim s…

A man and a whale are sitting in a bar This is one of my favorite jokes. I hope it hasn't been posted; sorry if it's a repost! A man walks into a bar an noticed a really sad looking fellow sitting with a beluga whale in a corner booth. The man walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. When the bartender returns, the man asks him, ""what's up with that guy and the whale?"" The bartender answers, ""that's Tim, he has quite a sad story. If you go and talk to him I'm sure he'll tell you about it…

Timbuktu Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about ""Timbuktu"". The priest began: ""I was a father, all my life, had no children, had no wife. I read the Bible, through and through. On my way to Timbuktu."" Then the Australian told his version: ""When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, so I booked one and Tim booked two!""