Tim Jokes

It's a little known fact that William Shakespeare and Lord Byron died on the same day. When they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he said, "We are honored to receive two incredibly distinguished poets on the same day! Unfortunately we don't have room for both of you to enter today, so we're going to have to have a little contest. I'm going to say a word, and both of you have to make up a poem, on the spot, using that word. The person with the best poem gets in today." They nodded their hea…

Timbuktu... A priest and an Australian shepherd got a tie in a quiz show so they have to solve the last question: find a rhyme on the word Timbuktu. After five minutes the priest returns and says: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu..." The crowd was cheering him and thought he would win as the shepherd returns: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went, we met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were t…

The Redneck Poet Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time. St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and recited a magnificent, graceful poem and was let in the gates. Then the redneck stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?'' The Redneck paused and scratched. ''Oh! I got it,'' said the red…

Ring the doorbell A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

A priest and a shepherd... ... from Australia participate in a gameshow on TV. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It's a city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells…

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, When Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. …

How do you get into Heaven? When Tim was just a wee lad, he went regularly to Sunday School. One day, his teacher decided to test Tim to see if he understood the concept of getting to Heaven. She asked him, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" Tim answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "…

Two airplane mechanics Bob and Tim work at Atlanta airport. Atlanta gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so Bob and Tim have nothing to do. After work Bob and Tim usually have a drink on their way home, so Bob says to Tim, “I heard that you can get a buzz off drinking jet fuel.” Since they have nothing better to do, they try it. Finally, their shift is over and they get to go home. Next morning Bob calls Tim and says, “How are you feeling?” Tim says he's fine, never felt be…

This bloke said to me This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."

Timbuktu From my 80 year old Granddad: Two finalists in a contest, One a college grad and one a high school drop out, were to write a poem in 3 minutes. The only requirement was that it ended in "Timbuktu". The college grad wrote his and told it to the judges; Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels two by two, Destination Timbuktu. The judges were very surprised and pleased with the poem, thinking that the drop out had no chance of beating that one. The dro…

Timbuktu The chief poet of the town dies, so they have to elect a new one. The voting whittles the candidates down to two. The town holds a feast to choose the winner. The mayor stands up and declares that the winner shall be decided by voting on the poem the candidates can come up with on the spot based on a subject of his choosing. The mayor announces the subject will be "Timbuktu." The first candidate stands up, thinks for a moment, and recites: It came across a stormy gale Broad of beam…

Local ads... A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Nate the Snake joke Warning, unhealthily long Tim was an adventurous man, and he had quite a bit of money. One afternoon during work, Tim decided that he wanted to go driving on the dunes in egypt. So that weekend, he booked tickets to Cairo and took a few extra days off work. When he arrived in Cairo he took a bus to a smaller village with less people and laxer laws and rented a car to drive on the dunes. He went out the first time at night around 11:30 because his flight came in late. Tim h…

It's the finale of the national poetry competition The finalists are an old catholic priest and a 30-something good for nothing globetrotter. For the final challenge they both need to write and perform a poem ending on "Timbuktu". After an entire day to prepare themselves, they are asked to read their poems to the jury. The Priest goes first: I've been a preacher all my life Had no woman, had no wife I've read the bible through and through On my way to Timbuktu. The jury offers h…

Little Johnny was at school when... his teacher asked the class 'Jane. What did you do last weekend? 'I went for a ride on a choo choo train.' Jane replied proudly. 'That's fantastic!' replied the teacher, 'but you need to use grown up words. Next time just say train, not choo choo train. Tim, what did you do last weekend?' Tim thought for a second and said 'I went to granny and grampys house.' 'Oh that's lovely' replied teacher, 'but remember to use grown up words. Grandma and grandpa. Johnny…

The cost of happiness Tim and Steve were catching up at their 30th college reunion. After the initial frenzy of catching up settled down, Tim could tell that Steve was a bit down in the dumps, so he starts digging. Steve admits that aren't as perfect as they may look from the outside. Tim says, "But Steve, you are the model of success. You have taken two companies public and cashed out with so much money there is almost nothing you can't buy. Your kids turned out great, you widely r…

Shakespeare died on same day as Billy Bub, and are at the pearly gates. (I heard this joke around 1980, so I can't claim ownership) St. Peter at the pearly gates says, "I'm busy, so I'm considering 2 admissions at a time. Tell me a good poem using the word 'Timbuktu'. Whoever has the better poem gets in." Shakespeare smiles broadly and says, "I am a great poet, so here goes: I went into a foreign land, I saw a sea of burning sand. A caravan was passing through, it's destination, Timbuktu." …

An Irish boy comes home after school. His father asks him how his day went. The boy replies: "I think I'm in love." His father says: "But that's great, son! Tell me, who are you in love with? Is it Fiona?" No. "Is it Mary?" No. "Is it Rosy?" NO, dad... I... I'm in love with Tim. The father explodes: "Tim? TIM? My son, why are you doing this to your family? Tim is Protestant!!

Tim the Chicken Tim was a nervous chicken. He rarely went out in public and spent the majority of his life trying to blend in to the background. And this devotion to anonymity followed Tim through his entire childhood and adolescence. As Tim approached his eighteenth birthday, his one friend, a sheep named Bob, was adamant Tim needed to celebrate this milestone. It took much convincing, but eventually Tim agreed to make his first visit to a pub and experience his first taste of alcohol. …

Nate the Snake Tim was an adventurous man

Tim is driving along the road when a man wearing yellow flags him down He slows down

Tim the 68-year old virgin died yesterday.

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim what does tim have now?

A woman gave birth to triplets. She named them Tim

What if animals ""were"" injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.