Second Man Jokes

Two men are hunting near the border of their countries. They see a duck and BANNNG they both shoot it and the duck goes dead right at the border line. They start arguing about whose duck it is until the first one says "I have an idea. Let's kick the balls and whoever wins gets the duck. And since I had the idea, I'll start." The second man hesitated but eventually agreed. Then, the first takes a few steps back, takes a run and, with his mountain boots, puts a valiant kick in the second's bal…

FBI looking for an assassin (Long) The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'Y…

2 Drunk Men… 2 men, known for their drunken antics, decided to go drinking one night. In order to curb the drinking, their wives only supplied them with enough cash for several drinks each. The men arrive at the bar and quickly run thru their small drinking allowance and are swiftly booted from the bar. As the 2 men walked around trying to figure out how to get more money for drinks, they see a hot dog vendor closing down for the night. One of the men suddenly gets an idea and the two pool the…

A man is driving through the desert A man is driving through the desert. Thinking he's alone, he sees another man in a fancy car approaching in the distance. When their vehicles meet, the first man greets him and suggests swapping cars. The second man refuses, explaining that his luxury car is very expensive while the first man's is dirty and very old. The first man insists, claiming his car is magical. He rubs his car, a genie appears, and he asks the genie to make tea. The genie complies. Imp…

A man with a Great Dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed” One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?” The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.” He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.” The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.” “A great dane? Really?” Says the manager. “Yeah, they just got them into service. He’s great at protecting me, and his sense of smell …

3 Men are waiting in line to go to Hell… The Devil decides he’s going to have a little fun and says, “Look, you don’t have to go to hell IF you’re able to stump me with an unachievable task.” Each guy started brewing up a plan to try and deceive the devil. One of them is ready and says, “Okay, Devil. I died in an explosion. I task you with finding the picture that was in my pocket when I died.” The Devil immediately got to work. He swooped down to Earth and found the man’s death site. He f…

Three men were hiking through a forest.... When they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: ' God, please give me the strength to cross the river. Poof!!! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'. Poof!!! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and stro…

Three old men are sitting around complaining about againg The first man says "Damn is it hard being old. I wake up at 7:00 every morning and it feels like it takes me an hour just to pee. "I hear ya," says the second man "I wake up at 8:00 every morning and it seems like I spend an hour on the crapper." "That's nothing," says the third man "Every morning at 7:00 I piss like a racehorse, and poop like a goose at 8." "That sounds great, why are you complaining?" ask the other two men. "Proble…

Three men are in a Russian prison cell. The first man says, "I'm here because I criticized Igor Girkin." The second man says, "I'm here because I spoke in favor of Igor Girkin." The third man says, "I'm Igor Girkin."

Three Men Find a Genie Three men were walking along the street when one of them spotted an old lamp on the side of the road. Picking it up and rubbing it they were surprised to find a genie appear. "You get one wish," The genie said. "I offer wealth, wisdom or power." "I choose wealth." Said the first man. "I choose power," said the second. "I choose wisdom," said the third. Many years later the men met again at a diner to discuss the results of their wishes. The first man spoke. "I…

Golf Three men are out on the golf course. The first tees off and slices the ball straight into the water hazard. The second man is like, “Oof, tough luck, Moses!” Moses replies, “No worries.” He walks over, waves his driver at the water, and it parts. He finds his ball and plays on. The second guy tees off and also hits it right in the water. Moses laughs and says, “Haha, didn’t learn anything, did you, Jesus?” Jesus laughs, walks out over the water, finds his ball, and plays through. The…

Three men are in prison in Soviet Russia... ... And they start explaining how they wound up in prison. The first man says, "I was five minutes late to work, so I was arrested for sabotaging Soviet productivity." The second man says, "I was five minutes early so I was arrested for espionage, spying on Russian industrial secrets." The third man says, "I was exactly on time to work, so I was arrested for owning a foreign made watch."

My Palestinian Cousin's favorite Arabic joke Two criminals are given the death sentence. Before theyre executed, the warden asks the first man "What is your last request?". The man says "Please, sir, could I see my mother one last time before I go?". The warden turns to an officer and asks him to fetch the man's mother. In the meantime, he asks the second man "And you? Any last requests?". The man thinks for a moment, looks at the first guy, and finally answers "Nah, just don't let that guy se…

The CIA was recruiting new agents As a test of commitment they brought a man to a door and gave him a gun. He was told his wife was in the next room and his first test was to go in and shoot his wife. The man was shocked and said he would never shoot his wife for anyone.He was sent home. A second man was brought to the same room and told the same thing as the first. He was very sad because he always wanted to be a CIAagwnt but there was no way he could shoot his wife.He too was sent home. The…

Guy walks into a pub…. ….. he sits down and orders a beer. A few moments later a guy walks in with a frog, and orders a beer. He places the frog on the counter. The bar keeper says to the man “why have you got a frog?”. The second man says “I’ve got to sell it, my wife isn’t happy I have it.” First man jumps in and the bartender walks away “why would she not be happy with a frog, does it smell or make a mess?” Second man “if gives the best blow jobs anyone has ever had, my wife is jealous” …

A joke from ancient Rome Two men were drinking ale in the market. The first man turned to the second and said "My friend, I have seen your wife's nudity." The second man looks at the first, eyes wide, and says "I shall take a knife, and with it, I shall stab your eyes!" And so the first said, "Thank you for the offer, my good friend, but what was seen cannot be unseen."

A joke for all the old geezers..... A doctor is sent to a nursing home to test the minds and memories of the residents. To save time, she interviews them in groups of three. The first group she meets with consists of three men. Turning to the first one, she asks, “What’s nine times thirteen?” “That would be four hundred and six,” the man replies. Without giving any indication that his answer is wrong, she turns to the second man. “What do you think, sir? What’s nine times thirteen?” “That’s…

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them. One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors. The first man says to the last man: "I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car door?" The last man replies, "Well, if I get hot, I can just roll d…

Babies Three men are sitting in a waiting room in a hospital. Their wives were having a baby. The doctor goes to the first man and says: "Congratulations you have twins!" "That's funny, because I work at Double Fudge ice cream shop!" replies the man. The doctor goes to the second man and says: "Congratulations! You have triplets!" "That's funny, because I work at Three Kings Inn!" Replies the second man. The third man was sweating, and flipping out. The two other men ask: "What's wrong…

There was an opening for an assassin in the CIA After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could neve…

Two men are discussing habits. The first man says, "Do you smoke?" The second man replies, "Why of course, two joints a day! Why do you ask?" The first man says, "Well how much do they cost?" The second man says, "Only 20 each!" "And how long have you been smoking?" "A few years, why?" "So if you hadn't smoked all these years, you would've saved up enough to buy a lamboghini!" "Really? Then what car do you drive?" "A Ford Focus." "Do you smoke?" "No..." "Then where the hell is your l…

Two men found many bags full of money. To be grateful, they decided to share it with God, meaning people in need. The first man drew a line on the floor and said: I'll throw my part through the air, what comes down on the right side is mine, and on the left side is for the poor, that's God's will. The second man said: I'll throw all my part through the air, and God will give me back what he wants and keep the remainder, that's God's will.

Two old men are in a car The first man notices the car is approaching an intersection with red lights, but his friend doesn’t seem to be slowing down. He gets tenser and tenser, sweat starts dripping down his back before the car zooms through the intersection at full speed. A few minutes later, the same thing happened again, the car is once again approaching an intersection when the light is red, and yet again zooms through it to the shock of the first man. After the same thing happens for t…

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle,” he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "Th…

Recent political joke circulating in China Three men who don’t know each other sits in a prison cell. Each explains why he was arrested. The first man said: “I opposed covid testing.” The second man said: “I supported covid testing.” The third man said: “I administered the covid tests.”