Second Man Jokes

Man: “What is million years to you?” God: “Only a second!” Man: “What is billion Dollars to you?” God: “Only a Coin!” Man: “Then give me a Coin.” God: “Wait a second!”

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, "What's the first thing you see when you look at me?" The guy says, "That's not too hard, you've got no ears." The interviewer says, "That's it, get out, you'll never be seen around here again." The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, "Uh, you've got no ears." The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he'll…

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?‘ No, ‘the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ The third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

Two men were down the pub talking. The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible !" The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!" "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy...Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

Three men with pocket watches are standing on a hill. The first man throws his watch and halfway down the hill it breaks. The second man throws his and two thirds of the way down, his watch breaks. The third man throws his watch, walks down and catches it at the bottom. “How did you manage that?” asked the two men. “Easy”, said the third man, “my watch is 10 minutes slow!”

Two friends are talking in a pub and one of them is not too bright. He says, “You would never find me taking a holiday in the USA.” “Why not?” said the second man. “Well, they all drive on the other side of the road to here”, he replied. “Why is that a problem?” said the second man. “Well, I tried it driving around town yesterday and it was awful!” replied the first man.

One man chatting to another in a bar. The first man said, “On a business trip last week, I had a gorgeous young lady knocking on my bedroom door all night.” “Wow! You lucky bloke” said the second man. “Not really, I was forced to let her out eventually!”

Two country yokels are talking in the pub. First man says, “I failed my driving test last week.” Second man asks, “What did you fail on?” “Road signs” replies the first man, “The examiner asked me, ‘What sign do you expect to see when driving down a country lane?’” I replied, “Fresh farm eggs – 90 pence a dozen!”

Two men chatting in a bar. First man says, “I can go ten days without sleep.” Second man asks, “How can you do that?” “Easy, I sleep at night!” said the first man.

Two men are chatting in a bar. First man says, “I've had terrible luck with both of my wives.” “How come?” said the second man. “Well” said the first man, “My first wife left me .... and my second wife hasn't!”

Two old men were chatting in the park. First man said, “My wife puts our wealth down to the old adage that behind each successful man there is his woman.” The second man said, “And mine always said behind a fall of each successful man there is always someone else's woman!”

Two men are waiting in a queue in the bank when suddenly armed robbers rush in. Some of the robbers have tellers filling bags with cash whilst some others line customers up and start to take their watches, wallets etc. In panic, one of the men puts something into the other man's hand. “What is it?” asked the first man. “It's that $100, I owe you!” replied the second man.

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!" The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, f…

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be. The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done. The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning…

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match, a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts, “Gee man, that was really respectful.” “Well, we had been married for over 25 years!” said the other man.

Two men were chatting in a pub. First man says, “What is your wife’s name?” “Her name is Doris but I call her five horses” replied the second man. “Why do you call her that?” “NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG is all she ever does!” he replied.

Two men talking in a pub. First man said, “How did you get that black eye?” Second man, “My wife hit me and it was all because of television programmes.” “I don't understand” said the first man. “Well, she asked me if I knew what was on TV. and I replied – DUST!”

Two old guys chatting in the park. “Do you know the wife and me were happy for forty years” said the first man. “What happened?” asked the second man. “We met” sighed the first!

First man: “You know, I hear Microsoft is going to start making Condoms.” Second man: “That gives a whole new meaning to the words, “General Protection Fault!”

Man with a German Shepherd dog goes into a bar and sits down at the counter. Bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" Man says, "But this is a Seeing Eye dog!" Bartender says, "Well, OK, then I guess it can stay." After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. First man says, "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it's a Seeing Eye dog and then it'll be OK." S…