Second Man Jokes

A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him. He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!". The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident". The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"

Three man dies and goes to heaven.. Three man dies and goes to heaven where it has been decreed that to each will be given a vehicle to use in heaven according to their deeds. First man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married for?" "20 years" answered the first man. "And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "5 times" He said.. "So be it" answered St. Peter, "You may enter, but you will receive only a Toyota Corolla" Second man arrives, St. Peter asks the same ques…

Two guys are playing golf... The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up. So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through." He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened. He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?" So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway there and turns around.…

Three men on an island get captured by cannibals... And the cannibal leader tells the men that they need to explore the island to find some fruit. They then must collect ten pieces of that fruit and bring it back to the cannibals. So the men head out and after some time the first of the three returns. He has brought ten apples with him, and the cannibal leader explains to him that he must fit all of the fruit in his butt without making any noise or they will kill him. The man tries but on the 4…

A joke my brother made up when he was 13... Two men were marooned on an island with no food. After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive. The other man agrees. The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws off the second man's legs. The second man, pale and weak, says to the first man. "Alright, now let's get your legs off" The first man runs away and yells "you have to …

No dogs allowed here A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him…

Three men were sitting together... bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders …

Three men with hearing aids are walking down the street One of them says, "Brr, it's windy today, ain't it?" The second man responds, "No, it's Thursday you idiot." The last one says, "Me too, let's go get a drink."

A bartender is closing down his bar A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation. As the bartender cleans the last few glasses before he kicks the three men out, he decides it’s worth a shot to try to cheer these poor guys up. He goes up to them and asks what’s got them down. As it turns …

Dementia Three older men are undergoing a memory test at the doctor's office. The Doctor asks, "What is three times three?" The first man answers, "274." The second man answers, "Tuesday." The third man answers, "Nine." The doctor pleasantly surprised at the third man's correct response, inquires, "Great! How did you get that answer?" "Simple. Just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." T…

Three nuns went to a baseball game Three nuns went to a baseball game. Over the course of the baseball game, the nuns became increasingly rowdy. So, three men behind them began to have a loud discussion. "I think i'll move to Idaho, I hear that there are only 20 nuns there," said the first man. "20 nuns? I'm going to move to South Dakota. I hear that there are only 10 nuns there," said the second man. Just before the third man could speak, one of the nuns turned around and said, "You should …

Three men are at CIA Headquarters for an interview... At first it's the usual question and answers until each of them are called in to a room one at a time. The interviewer, to the first applicant, handed the man a gun,pointed at another door, and said, "We need to make sure that you will follow orders no matter what. In the next room you will find your wife. We want you to kill her." The man looks at the gun and shakes his head and walks out. The interviewer calls in the second man and …

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when... ...he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them …

Christmas joke! (A little late I know) Three men die on Christmas Day. They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter just feels awful. He says "Alright guys I hate you died on Christmas Day, so to make up for it, I'll let you right in if you have anything on you that has any Christmas symbolism." So the first man checks his pockets and pulls out a lighter. St. Peter asks, "What is that supposed to symbolize?" The 1st man replies, "It's a Christmas candle." St. Peter acknowledges it and let's him t…

Job opening for CIA Assassin The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said, “You can’t be ser…

A joke my father told me years ago... Once there was an Indian Chief named Big Chief No-Fart. His claim to fame was that he would never, ever fart. Every day, people came from miles around to test Big Chief No-Fart and see if they could be the ones to finally make him break wind. Yet Big Chief No-Fart did not fart. One day a group of men came to witness Big Chief No-Fart's powers. One of the Chief's guards greeted the men. A man said, "I know what will make Big Chief No-Fart fart. Here is a ca…

Three men are standing before a judge. The judge asks the first man why he was arrested. " I blew bubbles in the park.", the man said. "That is not a crime. You are free to go.", the judge replies. He then asks the second man why he was arrested. "I also blew bubbles in the park.", he said. The judge said that he didn't break the law and was free to go. The judge then ask the third man why he was arrested. "I'm Bubbles."

3 men in hell One day in hell the devil gets bored, so he decides to try something new. He takes three men who just arrived, and tells them "I'm going to lock you three in separate rooms for 10000 years, you all get to choose one thing to have an unlimited amount of in your room. So what will it be?" A little puzzled the first man steps forward and says "I want to be locked away with the best and most beautiful women." The devil nods his head and sends him to his new room. The second man steps …

Three men are standing near a magical river... ... and legend says that one who says something whilst jumping over the river will turn into it . The first runs and jumps and yells, "Eagle". He turns into an Eagle and flies away. The second man runs and says, "Fish". He turns into a fish, falls into the water, and swims away. The third runs, but trips and screams, "Oh, shit!"

Three men turn up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Saint Peter asks the three men: ' Did you commit any adultery during your lifetime?' 'NEVER! I have lived a pure and virtuous life!', The first man shouts. 'All right, you may enter heaven en drive a golden Ferrari for eternity!', Saint Peter says. The second man says: ' Well you know... I've had a fling with my secretary. But, I am remorseful'. 'For this sin, you shall drive a golden Ford for all eternity', Saint Peter says. The third man s…

Two Irishmen in a bar A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes t…

The Vagrants Five men were brought in front of a judge on charges of vagrancy, public indecency and solicitation. They insisted, however, that they were just looking for work. "What do you do?", the judge asked the first man. “I’m a cork soaker.” The judge blinked. “Pardon?” “I’m a cork soaker. I worked at a wine bottling plant, soaking corks in water and making sure they fit the wine bottles perfectly when we sealed them up.” “Okay, what about you?”, the judge asked the second man. …

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?” “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.” “Well then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said. “But sir, I have a …

Four men are waiting for their wives in a marital ward. edit: maternity ward, sorry my vocab is crap They're all very anxious about becoming a father. After waiting some time, the doctor appears and congratulates the first man. "Congratulations, your wife had twins!" The man was relieved, but was a bit surprised. "What a coincidence," he told the doctor. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" Some time later again, the doctor comes out and congratulates the second man. "Congratulations, your …