Second Man Jokes

A man went to a restaurant He told the waitress "Can I have a bowl of chili?" The waitress said "I'm very sorry but that man at the bar just got the last bowl." The man saw the other customer sitting and noticed that the chili bowl was still full. He sat next to the other man and said "Excuse me but it's been freezing all day and I've had a serious craving. Could I buy this off you?!" After a moment the second man said "Sure. Help yourself!" So the man began eating the chili. As he got …

Oh No! Not ELON! Man is driving along the freeway when he is stopped by a huge traffic jam. After sitting there for quite a long time, he sees another man walking from car-to-car. The second man finally gets up to his car. He rolls down the window.... "Hey man, what's going on up ahead?" "It's awful! Terrorists have stopped Elon Musk's limo! They are saying if they don't get $10 million dollars, they are going to burn him alive! So, I'm out here collecting donations." "That's terrible!…

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out medications. The nurse stopped at the first bed and asked the man there "What are you in hospital for?" The man, roughly her own age, looked up a…

Two mathematicians are in a bar The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She…

A man arriving late for the superbowl final match is surprised to find the seat beside him empty Tickets for the event are sold out months in advance, and empty seats are unknown. So he says to the man on the other side of the seat. Excuse me, but do you know why this seat is empty? It was my wifes actually is the answer, bur sadly she died. Oh thats terrible the first man said. I am so sorry. Thanks, she never missed a match you know replied the second man. Hmmm said the first man could …

A man walks into a pub and orders a bowl of the house chili. The bar wench points down the bar to another man with a bowl of chili in front of him and says, "That man there got the last bowl of the night." The first man walks up to the second man and asks, "Hey man, if you're not going to eat that, can i buy it off you?" The second man replies, "You can have it, free of charge." The first man digs in with gusto; about halfway through the bowl of chili, his spoon hits a dead mouse, completely…

A man is visiting his mother's grave at the cemetery. He notices another man on his knees weeping wildly and exclaiming, "Oh why did you have to die? Oh WHY did you have to die??" First man says to him, "I'm so sorry for your grief. You two must have been close". Second man wipes away tears and replies, "Oh, I never knew him". Puzzled, the first guy asks, "If you never knew him then why are you so upset? Who was he"?. Second guy stood up and said, "He was my wife's first husband".

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site. Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building. The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich. “By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building a…

The CIA is interviewing three potential agents… The CIA is interviewing three potential agents -- two men and a woman. For the final test, they bring one of the male candidates to a door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what," says the interviewer. "Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." "You can't be serious," the man says. "I could never shoot my wife." "Then you're not the right man for the job," says the interv…

Two men are discussing the ailing health of their parents. “I feel bad,” the first man says. “My dad is senile. All he does is stare through the window all day long.” “That’s an awful way to live,” the second man responds. “Yeah, I know,” the man admitted. “One day I should really let him in the house.”

Two men were talking about their wives The first man says “My wife is an angel.” The second man says “You’re lucky

Two men from Texas are having a conversation... The first man asks the second man ""Imagine being in the same room with all of the people you've slept with."" The second man responds with ""I don't have to imagine

I was the second man on the moon Neil before me

A man with two friends A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks. A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says "" this is who you will spend eternity with"". A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says ""this is who you will spend eternity with"". After a year the thi…

Two friends are walking down an alley when a mugger ask for their money. The two men sigh and start emptying their pockets. The first friend hands the second man $20 and says ""here's that money I owe you.""

3 guys are shipwrecked on an island full of cannibals The cannibals catch them and say""bring us 10 fruits or we will kill you"" the first man comes back with ten carrots the cannibals tell him""we'll stick them all up your ass if you dont move a muscle we'll let you live"" they force the first one up his ass he doesnt say anything but as soon as they touch the other carrot he says Ow! They throw him in a cage the second man comes back with ten berries they tell him the same thing and start fi…

Two Jews at Miami Beach Two Jewish men from New York pass each other walking down Miami beach. They see each other walking every now and then over a couple months and eventually introduce themselves and walk together. After walking for awhile the first said to the second how did you end up here in Miami. The second man told him that he owned a garment factory until there was a fire that burnt it to the ground and because he was older he decided to just keep the insurance money and retire. When …

A joke about golfers. Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

First man: what is the most commonly used French expression? Second man: uhh... I give up

What did the fly say to the second man on the moon? Buzz.....

Three men were walking along when they came upon a wide, raging river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so. The first man prayed to God: "Please, God, give me the strength to cross this river." And POOF! God gave him powerful arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the mighty river in two hours. Seeing this, the second man prayed: "Please, God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river." And POOF! God gave him a rowing boat, and he was able …

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4. ”But I paid, don't you remember?” says the customer. ”Okay” says the bartender, “If you said you paid, you did.” The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The bar keep replies, “If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.” Soon the customer goes int…

Two old married men were chatting in a bar. First man says, “Have you ever thought that marriage was a bit of a lottery?” The second man replied, “Not at all. At least you have a slight chance with a lottery!”

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. Why of course, comes the reply. The first man then asks: Where are you from? I'm from Ireland, replies the second man. The first man responds: You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland. Of Course, replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks:"Where in Ireland are you from? Dublin, comes the reply. I can't believe it, says the first man."I'm from Dublin too! Let's h…

Two men were chatting in a bar. One says, “Where are you from?” Second man replies, “I come from somewhere where we do not end a sentence with a preposition.” “Alright” says the first man, “Where are you from idiot!?”