Second Man Jokes

There were three old men playing golf... and they each decided to start bragging about their adult sons. The first man says: "I'm so proud of my son, he is a very successful car salesman that owns his own lot, and gave one of his friends a brand new Porsche." The second man says: "That's impressive, but my son is a successful real estate owner, and gave one of his friends a house on a private beach." The third man sighs, and says to the other two: "Wow that's very impressive. I hate to say …

Seeing eye dogs. A man with a German Shepherd goes into a pub and sits down at the bar. The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that dog in here." The man replies "But this is a seeing eye dog!" The bartender then says "Well, okay then, I guess it can stay". After a while, the man and the German Shepherd get up to leave. As they're going out the door, another man with a Chihuahua is coming in. The first man says "The bartender won't like you bringing that dog in here, but just tell him it'…

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances." Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her. The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never …

2 men and their thirst for extreme! 2 men are standing on the ledge of a cliff... One man has a Budgie on his shoulder and the other has a parrot on his shoulder and a gun attached to his hip. The first man with the Budgie, jumps off the cliff and as he falls the Budgie immediately flies away. The man plunges to the ground, miraculously he survives but he is no doubt crippled. The second man with the Parrot and the gun, now jump off the cliff and as he falls the Parrot flies away but the man…

While on a walk two men pass a bar... Two friends are out walking their dogs on a hot summer day when they pass a bar. "Let's stop and grab a drink" "They don't allow pets - let's just keep going" "Follow my lead" The first man walks into the bar, his dog in tow. "Sorry but we don't allow dogs in here." "Excuse me but this is my seeing eye dog." The bartender gives the man and the dog a once over. Seeing his sunglasses and a German Shepard, he quickly apologizes "Pardon me sir, first rou…

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," says the proctor, "you'…

Two black men are walking down the street ...and they see a sign that says "Be white for 99 cents!" The first man says he has the dollar on him, the second man only has 98 cents. The first man says, okay, I'll go in and if it works, I'll give you the penny. First first man goes in and comes a while later. The second man asks "Can I have the penny?" The first man replies "Get a damn job!"

Three deeply devout men were killed in a tragic car accident while on their way to church... The three men awoke in front of a fountain with the great Gates of Heaven in the far distance. Standing in front of the fountain was an angel, wearing a seemingly dissatisfied smile. "You three men have been so devout for your entire lives that you have never succumbed to sin." The men felt as though this was a compliment and smiled, until the angel corrected them. "The Lord will not allow you to dri…

Opening for a CIA job The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the interviews were over there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then y…

The CIA was hiring an assassin. The CIA posted an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, all men. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. One of the CIA agents told the man: "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You must kill her." The man sai…

2 men are robbing an apartment... ...when they hear sirens outside the building. "We need to jump!" says the first man. The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!" "This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash. Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says: "Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to the first guy, "and the other day it's the other". And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoy…

A wealthy lawyer One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He lowered the window between him and his driver, and ordered the car to be stopped. The driver pulled the car to the side of the road, and the lawyer got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man. “We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer. “But, sir, I have a …

The cannibal king's test Three men were hiking in the forest when they got lost. They wandered around and after a few days, they found a large campsite. Upon entering, they realized that it was inhabited by cannibals, and tried to leave but were captured. They were brought before the cannibal king, and the king stated that they would survive and be able to leave if they could pass a test. The first part of the test was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all t…

A Job For a Woman The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," say…

Three guys in a plane crash on a deserted island... One day, several years later, a bottle washes up on the beach. One of the guys opens it to reveal that it contains a genie! The two others rush over when they see what's going on. The genie says "Normally, I give the person who finds my bottle three wishes, but since there are three of you, I'll give you each one." She turns to the guy who found the bottle and says, "What is it that you desire?" The man thinks for a moment, then says "Well, I'…

A joke my granddad once told me. I always loved this one, my granddad told it to me years ago. Still one of my favourites. An elderly woman wakes one morning and looks out of her bedroom window. Across the road she sees two men from the local council office slowly making their way up the grassy embankment at the side of the road. The man in front starts to dig a hole in the embankment and after some time moves forward and begins digging another hole. The second man then proceeds to immedi…

Three old men Three elderly men were at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor asked the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor said to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", he replied. Then the doctor asked the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", he answered. "That's great!" said the doctor. "How did you get that answer?” "Easy," said the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Three men are being interviewed for a job at the same time The interviewer says "Alright, you can get the job if you can come up with a sentence with the words green, pink and yellow." First man replies "Well that's easy, my favorite colors are green, pink and yellow." Interviewer smiles and says "You're hired!" The second man scoffs and says "I saw a bird that was green, pink and yellow." Interviewer says "You got it!" Finally, the third man thinks for a while until he says "The phone ran…

Two men are walking by a restaurant Two men are walking by a restaurant and one of them says, "That smells amazing! Lets get something." The other man replies, "But they don't let dogs in, what are we going to do with them." The first man puts on a pair of sunglasses and has his friend do the same and says, "Follow my lead." He starts to walk into the restaurant and the waiter stops him, "You cannot bring dogs in here sir." The man gets offended, "Excuse me sir! This is my seeing eye dog, I…

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine... when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring t…

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar At the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could …

When the Romans Conquered Britain In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin. The issue was that many bars were of inferior quality possessing too much tin which resulted in brittle bronze. The merchants of course would say that they had been told it was goo…

Two men die and show up at the Pearly Gates together St Peter greets them. "Gentleman, welcome to Heaven. I've got bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that Heaven is currently full. There was some sort of screw-up in the scheduling department, and we don't have rooms for you guys. We won't have available rooms for 2 weeks. The good news is we'll send you back to Earth for those two weeks, doing whatever you want, in whatever form you want. What would you like?' "Well," says the fir…

A man is sitting at a bus stop, and there is another man sitting next to him. Suddenly another man comes up to the second guy and says "E-E-Excuse me, s-sir. C-Co-Could you p-p-please gi-give me d-directions t-to-to the n-ne-nearest gro-grocery s-st-store?" The man didn't say anything. He just sat there, looking at him, stress on his face. After a moment the third man comes up to the first man and asks him the same question. The first man gave him the dieections, the third man thanked him and…