Second Man Jokes

My dad's favourite joke Three men are standing at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man turns to the other two and says: "I bet you $1000 each that you can't throw your watch off the side, and catch it before it hits the ground." Both men look at each other, look at their cheap watches, think "there's no way he'll be able to do it, but maybe I can make $1000" and agree to the challenge. The second man steps up, drops his watch off the edge, and goes sprinting to the stairs. He …

Three men die and go to heaven Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter calls up the first man. He says, "Heaven's a big place. I'll give you a car. How nice the car is will depend on your faithfulness to your spouse on Earth. You were not very faithful. I will give you a station wagon." St. Peter calls up the second man. He says the same thing. He gives the man a midsize car, because the man was pretty faithful to his spouse. St. Peter calls up the third…

Three men go to heaven... They all arrive at the same time with their wives. The first man steps up to St. Peter and asks to be let in, St. Peter replies, "You were a good man and helped others but you loved food too much over God, you even found a wife named Candy, so I can't let you in" he then pulled the lever and off the man went to hell. The second man steps up to St. Peter and also asks to be let in, St. Peter then replies, "You were a good man and went to Church but you loved money too m…

Three American anthropologists head to an island... inhabited by a group of indigenous cannibals, in order to study the native culture. While filming the natives, the three men are captured by a savage hunting party are returned to the native's village. The Americans are told by the chief that they have one chance to save their lives. Each person must go into the jungle and bring back whatever fruit they can find. If they don't return, a hunting party will find them and skin them alive. The …

3 men are shipwrecked on an island And start searching the place, but get captured by a cannibal tribe. They are brought to the chieftain, and beg for their lives. He says, "I will give you a chance to live. Each of you must go out and find 10 of a certain fruit, and then come back. If you do not return, we will hunt you down and kill you." So they all go out in different directions to look for their fruit. The first guy comes back with 10 apples, and shows them to the chieftain, who t…

A guy and his wife are in bed late at night... ... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there’s a man standing there who says, “Hey, guy, can you give me a push?” The guy who answered the door says, “no, get lost”, and slams the door shut. He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no. She says, “Go out there and give him a push. He’s probably having …

Two men were talking about their wives The first man says "My wife is an angel." The second man says "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

4 men in a pub 4 men are chatting in a pub, The first man says:"I sleep with my wife once a month", The second man says :"i sleep twice a month", The third says:"I sleep once a week", The fourth man says:"I sleep twice a week", Then the first man says: "What are you talking about? you aren't even married", The fourth man replies: "Oh I thought everyone was talking about your wife".

A traditional Indian woman walks into a bar for the first time... She sits down between two men. She hears the first man says to the bartender "Johnny Walker, single." Then second man says to the bartender "Jack Daniels, single." The bartender turns to the Indian woman... She says "Pushpaben Patel, Married."

opening for an assassin The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!” The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my…

Diesel Fitter. Two men died and are in the queue to enter heaven. St Peter is out the front informing people of a change in entry policy. "Alright lads, there's been a bit of a shift in protocol. Due to the current economic climate, we can only let in people who are going to be useful around here. Anyone else is going to have to chill in limbo 'till it all sorts itself out." The first man approaches. "So what did you do before you so tragically passed on?" "Diesel Fitter" "Fantastic! We co…

Three prisoners There men are sentenced to 10 years in prison. However, the judge has allowed them an unlimited supply of whatever they want, within reason. The first man requests any meals he wants, it is granted. The second man requests any drinks he wants, it is granted. The third man requests any cigarettes he wants, and it is granted. Ten years later, the prisoners are released. The first man is let out of his cell, much fatter than before. The second man is released... stumbles three st…

Three men die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that he will ask each of them a question and that their answer will determine how they will get around in heaven. He asks the first man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “No, never!” St. Peter says, “Good man, I will give you a Ferrari for your loyalty.” St. Peter then asks the second man, “Have you ever cheated on your wife?” The man answers, “I did once and regret it to this day!” St. Peter says,…

Three pure men go to see a priest These three men have never committed a sin in their lives. They ask the priest if they can drink from the holy water. The priest says, "no, you must commit a sin first so that you can be forgiven." So the three men leave to go commit their sins. The first man comes back to the priest and says, "father I have committed a sin, I stole from a baby." The priest forgives him and gives him permission to drink the holy water. The second man comes back to the priest …

Three men are standing at the pearly gates... St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates." "How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks. "Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse." Knowing they can't argue and that God obviously kn…

Three men die and go to heaven. When they arrive at the Pearly Gates they see St. Peter standing before them. The first man steps forward. "What did you do in your life?" Asked the saint. "I was a comedian," the first man said. "Really?" mused Peter. "What jokes did you tell?" "I told Jewish jokes." The man replied. "That's horrible!" Exclaimed Peter. "It's a terrible sin to discriminate against others." "With respect," the man replied, "I am Jewish. I was born in Brooklyn after my…

COFFEE MORNING IN ST. PETER'S SQUARE Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth man says very proudly, …

Final test for the CIA The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," s…

Three men are at church. One of them is a union worker. Three men are in Church one Sunday morning, one of them belongs to the local union. Before the service they complain amongst themselves of their various ailments and injuries. Jesus hears them, and he appears before these gentlemen. "Tell me your troubles my children." "Lord. I can not stand up straight or go a day without pain, thanks to a back injury i suffered years ago." The first man says. "Be healed, Child." Jesus says. The man i…

Two men are in the operating room Two men are in the operating room getting prepared for surgery. One says to the other, "Hey buddy, what are you in for?" The other says, " I'm here to get my tonsils taken out" The first man says "Oh that's not so bad. I had that done when I was younger, and I got to eat ice cream for two days strait." The second man felt at ease with this reassurance. "Thanks for that, doesn't sound so bad. What about you, what are you in for?" The first man…

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean... ... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there. The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here." The other two nod, slightly sympathetically. The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in…

The Spaghetti Joke. Two men had a plane crash in the desert and survived. They had water, but no food. After a couple of days wandering in the desert they saw the remaining of another plane that was crashed a few days ago with a dead pilot. So one man says to the other "Let's open the dead pilot's stomach, perhaps what he ate is still there." The other agrees, they open the pilot's stomach and see the he had spaghetti. The second man starts eating hungrily, the first man refuses politely. "You…

Four guys go golfing. Four guys go golfing. One of them is held up in the country club with some accounts to settle, so he tells the others to start without him and he'll catch up. The other three guys move on to the first hole and start talking about their kids. The first man says, “I'm really proud of my son. He started off as a small realtor showing houses every day and working himself to death, but it paid off! Now he owns his own real estate business that has offices across the country. …

At the end of the 1930s in a small cell of a Soviet prison At the end of the 1930s three man share a cell in a Soviet prison awaiting their execution. Sitting silently the whole time the first man wants to break the ice and asks: "So guys, how did you end up in here?" The second man replies: "I'm in here for voting for Ivan Iwanowitsch in 1933. What about you?" The first man again: "They imprisoned me because in 1936 I voted against Ivan Iwanowitsch." Then both men move their eyes to the …

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have no money for food," the first man replied. "Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer. "But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man. "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer. The second man exclai…