President Jokes

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter request $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to weite a thank …

Shredded cheese has officially been banned at grocery stores in the US. President Trump will make America grate again.

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM! WE HAVE PLEDGED: - 2 BATTLE SHIPS, - 600 GROUND TROOPS, - 6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH: - 2 CANOES, - 6 MOUNTI…

The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying ""Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry."" Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and pi…

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300 ft. red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a 1937 silver bentley to the edge of London where they boarded an open 17th century coach that was hitched to 6 magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their sides and waiving to the thousands lining the streets, all was going well. What a glorious display of pagentry and …

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,"" Gonzalez said. ""They desire a…

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, ""You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."" President Bush says ""Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help, I will do."" The Saudi whispers ""My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understa…

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, ""Aren't you Moses? "" The man never answered but just kept staring ahead. Again the President said, ""Moses! "" in a loud voice. The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president. Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, ""Doesn't th…

After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver in New York City notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. ""Excuse a-me, Your Holiness,"" says the driver, ""Would you please-a take-a your seat so we can-a leave?"" ""Well, to tell you the truth,"" says the Pope, ""they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."" ""I'm-a sorry but I cannot-a let you do that. I'd-a lose-a my job! And what if-a something…

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: ""Nice pigs, Sir."" The President replies: ""These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."" The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: ""Excellent trade, sir.""

While the pope was visiting the USA he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel while his driver got in the back. They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo with a VIP inside it. The chief asked: ""Who is in the l…

George W. Bush is seen crossing the Potomac river on foot. The Washington Post : ""President Bush crosses the Potomac River"". The Washington Time : ""Bush's conservative approach saves taxpayers a boat"". Mother Jones : ""Bush can't swim"".

Former Vice President Quayle Speaker of the House Gingrich and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes. Quayle says ""I'm going to ask the Wizard fo…

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. ""Mr. President"" said the four-star general barely able to contain himself ""there's good news & bad news."" ""Oh no"" muttered the President ""Well let me have the bad news first."" ""The bad news sir is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."" ""Gosh and the good news?"" ""The good news sir is that they eat reporters and pee oil.""

President Obama has a meeting with the President of China to discuss debt... President Obama has a meeting with Xi Jinping to discuss the debt the US owes to China. He arrives at the Chinese presidential mansion with Joe Biden, but they find there is work going on in the garden and lots of mud everywhere. So they have to roll up their trouser legs and step carefully to enter. They sit down to wait for President Xi, but Biden notices they still have their trousers rolled up. So he whispers: "M…

How famous is Colin? Colin was bragging to his friend, Laura, one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, Laura called his bluff, “OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?” “Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Colin and Laura fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!” Alt…

My friend knows everyone... Dave was bragging to his boss one day: "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impresse…

Dave was bragging to his boss one day "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.” Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?” “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer! Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After…

Donald Trump... -A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East. -Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured. -Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. -The rest of the world is in shock. -Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace. -Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance. -Latin American countries are sending clothing. -New Zealand and Australia …

Did you hear about this CRAZY experiment done by SCIENTISTS? A man suffered from headaches, he went in for treatment. Scientists removed the right half of his brain, and asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The main counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gon…

Unemployment at its best! An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work." The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work." The American doctor laughs: "You al…

Scientists removed the right half brain of a man and asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right-half back and removed the left-half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All t…

Donald and Vance are at a rally. Donald is ranting about the 2020 election at a rally. "I can't believe Biden is President! He got less votes that me!" Vance corrects him. "Fewer." Donald whispers back. "I told you not to call me that in public!"

A little Government joke I came up with The President invited all of the government agencies to his birthday party. He sent everyone an invite with an RSVP of either “Confirm” or “Deny”. His cabinet told him “Sure, we’ll be there, but we must advise you to make the party fun!” The Secret Service replied “We follow you around anyway, so we might as well.” Congress took a vote and decided, via a two-thirds majority, that they will be attending. The FBI responded “We will have to do some inve…

The Perfect Interview A man gently knocked the Interview Room door. "May I come in Sir"? One of the Panel Members said "Come in". The Man tried to speak, but he was asked to sit first. So he sat in a Chair facing the Panel Members. One of them asked, "What do you think of this Room ?" "Very nicely furnished Sir. A nice Carpet, Window Screen, a Board, Projector, White Screen. Great Sir". "Did you not notice that small paper bundled thrown on the floor? Does it not spoil the ambience?" "…